Everything comes to an end.
Tuesday, 10/09/01 - 8:03 p.m..

I'll just sit here and wonder. My parental units are out. Brother is not coming tonight. Other brother is coming later...way later. I'm all by myself with all my personalities.

I'll talk without being a teeny-bopper. Promise.

Ok, what did I say a few hours ago? Yeah, I'm in love...shyeah, right. I talked to all my voices to get a few things straight. There's nothing like time with yourself to realize a lot of things. A lot of things that most people don't realize, simply because they don't have the balls to be alone. People are scared to death of being alone...is that why girls go to the restroom in groups? Then I'm one brave individual. Yeah, I know that's not why. But let me enjoy.

Anyway, let's talk about the guy, in a lucid perspective. The hangover is over. Here's the deal between my-in-love self and the rest of me: let's forget about him and we'll be groovy. Yeah, groovy. I'm trying hard to forget him and it's fuckin' working. Two weeks ago, being in a moment like this, all by myself at home, I'd have called him, no matter I knew I'd feel empty after we hang up. No matter I knew his hormones were just using me.

I'll call him again. But to say "hi". I'm not trying to make a move nor making him make a move, anymore. He does not love me. I'm this close to stop loving him. I can't waste my feelings on someone who doesn't love me. He's cool. He's...sexual. But he doesn't love me. Lust brought love to me. But maybe lust was just my excuse to love him.......not. Seriously, I love him. I hate to stop loving him. But that's the only way out. Now, thinking about it...I love him, but it started with lust. I don't fuckin' want to have sex. Not this week. Maybe there's something wrong with my hormones, I don't fuckin' care.

Now, about my brand-new crush, who is not so brand-new. He's nice to girls, just like the guy. But we've had no physical contact. What I feel for him is pure love, 'cause he's not that lusty. And I feel like he needs someone that takes care of him...which brings me to the question: do I want to be with him just because I want to help him to love himself? Fuck, no. I loved him before...well, not "love" him...some infatuation in second degree....ok, I had this infatuation before I knew about his self-esteem problems. But...I don't think he sees me as more than a friend. And that's what I have to be, then.

But I'm gonna stop pretending any of those guys love me. I have to.

I haven't talked a lot about society. Sure thing, I have nothing to say. Society just keeps...keeping on. Fuck. It's the same old thing. Well, something did happen...I know a couple of best friends who just broke up, because "she's this way" and one of them is a hypocrite. It's sad but it's one of those things that happens and somehow you saw it coming. You know unconsciously that something like that is gonna happen. You just don't know you know, but when it happens, you go like I knew it!. It's sad, but advisable: do not trust people. Do not think your best friend is your best friend. There is no "best" friend. Not that will last. Because everything has its limit, I guess. I still feel like playing with Polly Pockets and shit, but no sooner do I put my hands on it, I feel stupid. I can't sit and pretend that she's going to the grocery, anymore. But I guess there's always something that makes up your loss. I got the Sims. It's like playing with Polly Pockets, one way or another. My social life in the game is....so-not-me. I could sit there all day long, taking a look at the Sims, that somehow, reflect the decrepit status of society. Always buying shit to be happy. They can't be alone 'cause they get fuckin' depressed. And I just sit here and wonder....

...I had a dejavu...uh, no. I did write that before.

I just sit here and wonder....yeah, I wonder too much. I wonder too fast that I can't write it all here. Anyway, I wonder...how's supposed the world to get better if the only things that come out of schools are pimps and hot babes? Fuck. They don't think. They cum. It's all a game. They fuckin' believe that finishing school means finishing troubles. They have no clue. Not a damn clue. They have no idea what they're wishing for. They want to be out, But y'know what? outside it's life, waiting to shit on you if you're not ready.

Ok, bye.

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