Thursday, 03/09/06 - 9:52 pm.
I noticed my parents were a bit more reluctant to me going out this morning, even though they still said nothing but "take care of yourself". My dad asked me if I was going to the mall alone and I just said "no". I'm sure he understood who was gonna be my companion, and he had no further comment.
I wasn't going to the mall, though, just to Joseph's house...but at least now not everything I say is a lie (now they now I'm seeing Joseph, that's what matters the most). I woke him up and I discovered he was wearing Tigger boxers, which I consider a plus in my book. He took a shower while I watched TV.
I always have these plans, of "doing it" right, but I chicken out in the moment. The foreplay is great, but the feature presentation comes on, his member gets up and I freak out; I seem to have a penis phobia, I just hate those organs, and they're also so random-looking. It took me a while to agree on doing it, and he couldn't even come in, because I'd turned "tight". What the hell?
I started to get so, so frustrated because in the end we couldn't do it. He kept slipping out. And I wasn't frustrated because I wanted to do it, I was frustrated because I felt I'd failed Joseph. He said he wasn't frustrated at all, he was quite content just having me there, and he just held me and made me feel good for the rest of the time together, and we even had a few laughs. But I hate myself for this, for not being able to perform, or whatever you may call it. I hate sex, but I like the things he does; and it pisses me off I can never bring myself to give anything back to him.
I'd said to my parents I'd be home by noon. Joseph asked me to give him a ride to the mall and suggested we had lunch, he'd pay for it. After some hesitation, I called home saying I was having lunch at the mall (yay, in the end it wasn't a total lie), and my mom just said to take care of myself. I talked to Joseph's mom before we left, and we ran into his dad when we were leaving. They're nice people, a little funny. His dad was sitting in the car, parked in front of the garage, just hanging about. I think he was waiting for me to remove my car so he could park there, but I'm not sure. He grinned at me, anyway.
Lunch, and then I dropped him off at work. He told me all these sweet things in the car, and I'm afraid I don't always react the way I should, I don't always show him how excited I am to hear him say all those things. But somehow I make up for it, as I've learned.
- Me: I'm afraid you'll get bored of waiting for me to do it any better, and I'll frustrate you. You were already frustrated once (not for sex, though) and we ended up breaking up.
- Him: fuck, you said it, that wasn't about sex! That isn't as hardcore as other things you've done for me, how the fuck would I throw all that away? I'm not an idiot, and you're extremely important in my life.
I'm probably making too big of a deal out of this, ruining the good day we had together, but still, I wish I wasn't so afraid of sex.
PS: I just found this somewhere: "use sex to have fun, not as a measure of your worth". I will certainly have that in mind. Joseph does.
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