I love him, but I still kind of hate sex (maybe I have issues).
Saturday, 04/01/06 - 10:00 pm.

I suppose I could take pride in the fact that today we used two condoms and I did my first handjob and turned out to be good at that. That could be a way to start this entry.

But it hurts. It still hurts, and lubrication is not the problem. I hold it in and try to play along, but I inevitably end up shedding thick tears when he pulls out (when I ask him to). I got frustrated. This is this huge deal everybody worships so much? It makes me feel empty. Like I have nothing inside and I should. It either hurts or I feel nothing at all.

He enjoys it, of course. He tells me pretty things while we're doing it, and I tell to myself in my head he isn't doing it as a demonstration of his power over me (?!), but because he thinks I'm beatiful and this is the closest we can be together. It works for a while, but my mind flies to...forced sex acts. And I shall clarify, they don't relate at all to me.

But I just start thinking how powerless I feel with him on top, and how it hurts. What if someone ever forces me to do this, I think; I could never get him off of me. And then I rewind to the day he fingered me for the first time, it was the worst physical pain I've ever felt, the one I always feared, but the more I tried to show him I was suffering, the more he thought I was enjoying it (I clarified later and he apologized, but I can't get over that). It's what happens, right? "Yeah, you like that, don't you?"

So today, after the first time we were done, I started to cry. I was reluctant to tell him I didn't enjoy it, because that frustrates him, too. But I couldn't hide it, and he said I should really see a doctor, "even though I know you're too embarrased to go". And then he said that it's definitely all in my head, that I'm scared because of all the things I've heard about sex, especially rape.

I guess he's right. He was doing his thing, and I just kept thinking of a story I once read about a dictatorship somewhere in South America. A guy woke up tied, and he saw how ten soldiers raped his girlfriend, until she passed out. How's anybody gonna enjoy sex with these things in mind?

[See, things like this scare me (I hate how people always struggles with the stupid argument of "they're just jealous of our prestige")]

He calmed me down. And we cuddled, and I asked him to order pizza. Somehow my hands slid down his body effortlessly, and it seems I have a good instinct for handjobs. Surprinsingly, I was in the mood, so we got did it again, but I couldn't hang on for long (never do, anyway).

The rest was ok. We ate pizza and watched TV and talked. And everything was going swell, until I told him I had to leave.

Here's some background information: my parents were going out of town today. I told him I'd go to his house at 11, and I arrived at 12. He'd asked me to leave at least at 4, and it was 3 o'clock when I told I was to leave. That was because I didn't tell my parents I was "going out for lunch with friends", they didn't know, so I was afraid they'd come home and didn't find me, and thought I was sneaking out. Fuck it, they trust me entirely, but I still would feel like I'm letting them down.

So I had to leave. He started to beg, as he always does. That upsets me, because he gets incredibly childish and depressed. he asks me to understand, he'd die without me, etc. I understand! But I still have to leave. He begged and begged and begged me to stay one more hour, that I even felt bad. So I agreed to stay.

The hour passed coldly, I was just upset. I thought it was very selfish of him, and I'm glad he eventually realized that. I came to his house, we had sex twice and I gave him a handjob. He bought me pizza. I was exhausted (and stuffed) after all that. I could take into account how pretty he makes me feel, but somehow that got lost in me thinking how selfish and excessively sex-driven he is, in comparison to me. Yeah, I told him that, although he already had a clue. Then he was the one feeling bad.

He's not a bad boyfriend, as he started to claim. I've learned a lot from him and he's always reassured me and proven repeatedly that I'm the love of his life. But I can't help feeling upset by noticing that he always has to inevitably have his fingers in me when we're alone (I ask him to stop, and he stops, but then slowly goes on). How I have to give him some kind of five-minute notice if I want to wrap up the act, because he'll always want to go on. I understand he loves it, I swear I do, and I thank him for appreciating every inch of my body when I'm not capable of, but I get tired of always pulling along on something that leaves me sore for the rest of the day.

He said how he's thought of breaking up with me because he can hurt me easily. I told him not to be a coward. I left him depressed, he seriously was depressed, apologizing for being selfish. I didn't know how honest I could be, because he'd certainly screwed our day together by making me stay, thus pissing me off...I was scared that if I agreed with him, on his selfishness, he'd start taking pity on himself, and generalizing this to our whole relationship.

He's a wonderful boyfriend, really. I just wish he didn't get this sort of withdrawal when I have to leave his house.

On a nice note, my period just came, two hours shy from the very day it came last month. I'm guessing it's his doing, since sex -I've heard- can rush the process. Well, I made his foot hurt. He was very proud of me for that.

Still...I have yet to talk to him. He hasn't come online, and I always fear the worst. I have no doubt he's thought of dying to make my life "easier". He suggested the idea today, he gets like that when he hurts me.

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