Dumb message and working issues out.
Monday, 04/03/06 - 9:52 pm.

I hated this monday, even though it was rather productive: I got my paycheck and a ticket to get my group and I into the community we want to work with, on saturday. And I got a 10 in the last monday Applied to Industry pop quiz. Man, I hate that subject, though.

It was ugly coming to find messages in my inbox, people commenting on an entry I made on my other blog, about beauty pageants. "Whenever I see a post about this written by a woman, I see contradictions: she says our candidate could never live up to the standards of the ideal, caucasian beauty. She's falling into the same thing she's critizicing. Judging looks and comparing races brings no benefits".

Nooooooo, really? (man, I hate that "doing this and that brings no benefits" clich�). Judging looks and comparing is what beauty pageants are all about. There's no contradiction. I'm just saying the truth, there's a beauty standard, is there not? I didn't make it up, and unfortunately, indeed, I grew up with it.

Ugh, maybe I should just delete the whole thing. Who knew I had all this pride, though? "No, fuck it, I'll show you. These are my fucking opinions, you don't like them, you can easily go away".

All right, on less heavy news, I talked to Joseph. G-K said it wasn't a healthy relationship what we were having, and I actually hadn't thought of it that way; of this being unhealthy. But before I talked to him, I sat down and tried to figure out my very own obstacles in sex.

I discovered two: one I already told, the whole rape thing and how I hate sex because of that. The second one was more subltle, and it was the fact that I felt really pressured by Joseph to do it. It wasn't like "hey, maybe one day we'll be alone and we'll see what happens"; it was "Jesus, this guy is experienced and I'm gonna have to please him".

I don't feel that pressure anymore, but I honestly resent it. And I told him. I told him I felt pressured thinking one day I would *have to* do it with him, and that when he took my virginity I only felt more scared because all the signs I was sending him, to say I was hurting so bad and wanted him to stop, he took them as me enjoying it (that's possibly when I started to freak out about rape; it's like the more you show you're in pain, the more they believe you're enjoying it).

He said I shouldn't have kept that to myself for so long. That he was willing to listen, but maybe if I spoke to someone of the same sex I could get some guidance to get over my fears. I said, I have no one to talk to about this except you...and anyway, it's you I fuck, so this concerns you.

About the pressure, he said he knew he'd screwed it up. I don't blame him, I told him so, because we were each other's...not firsts, rather "differents". He'd always dated equals, not opposites to him. He'd never been with someone as inhibited like me, and I'd never been with someone as carefree as him. He was embarrased that he'd hurt me, but at the time he didn't know how to act any other way. He put the blame on himself, anyway, but I insist there is no need for that.

He can't help me. He asks how can he. I just tell him to keep treating me like he always does, making me feel good and stuff. I'm hoping I'll be able to get over that somehow. He's worried. I am, too, a little.

I'm tired. Good night.

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