I can't take your call, I'm in recovery.
Saturday, 07/20/02 - 6:18 pm.

Yesterday in the afternoon I was very tearful because of my miserable day. But for nothing specific, I just felt bad and constantly had tears in my eyes, even if I was distracted.

But then, some things happened. Rebeca and Javier were here. I turned on the TV. The first thing I see...the beggining of The White Stripes' video, "fell in love with a girl". I'd never seen the whole thing. And right after it, The Strokes' "last night". That cheered me up like you have no idea. And the kids were just stomping their feet, or nodding their heads...the next video was from some band named The Vines (what the fuck?). Javier laughed at it and screamed with it and loved it, because they scream and lightnings appear. I didn't know it, but he loves rock music. Doesn't that just kick ass? My 6 year-old nephew likes rock music. Then I switched channel and Linkin' Park was on. I don't like Linkin' Park but Javier loved their hair and their screaming. He's heading in the right direction. Aerosmith? He loves Aerosmith. He says he's Mr. Joe Fuckin' Perry and sings Bright Light Fright. Aw, what a cutie.

My sister Nancy was taking Javier (his son), Renan and Rebeca bowling. She invited me but I really wasn't in the mood. But I did accept her invitation to go out for dinner. I forgot about everything. I had a good time with my sister, my two nephews and my niece.

Today when I woke up, I thought of what was ahead. Tasks: start reading the book One Hundred Years Of Solitude and work on math assignments. Bonus: an apple pie and the premiere of the Girls Of Summer video on MtvLa. I got the apple pie last night from the not-so-fast-food restaurant we were eating at, but I decided to save it for today. The video...well, I'd seen it already, just needed it on tape.

In the morning, I set everything up for some therapy to ease the anger and the hassle of having to work on math: I played my The Strokes/The White Stripes/The Hives playlist, I ate my apple pie and drank chocolate milk.

My parents will be out all night. They're going to a mass in memory of that family and then to my cousin's wedding.

You know? the guy would have come over this afternoon. Don't you miss me talking about him? I don't. We haven't actually talked since...well, it's been some time. And I frankly don't quite care, because I'm through. I think this was the last time we talked. Yesterday he asked me if I was going to be home this afternoon. I have no place to go, I answered. He asked if he could come over. I'll let you know.

I did not.

At the moment, all is good at Myself-Land (population 42). Only my throat sores, but that's because I've been singing. My voice sucks at singing so I have to fake it (it doesn't help a lot though). Simeon says that's part of my constant search for sutile self-destruction.

I'm starting to feel annoyed for no apparent reason. I wish I had a way to release my anger. I need my Tyler Durden.

I say the right things
But act the wrong way

I like it right here
But I cannot stay
I watched the TV
Forget what I'm told
I am too young
And they are too old
I'll make it, you see
I'm ever so pleased
Pretend to be nice
So I can be mean

I missed the last bus
I'll take the next train
I try but you see, it's hard to explain.


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