Too much empathy at the wrong time.
Tuesday, 05/09/06 - 9:41 pm.

I got 9.3 in my CommPsych midterm. Is it wrong to say I'm dissapointed? I think the reason why I didn't get the perfect score was silly. I'm afraid my days of getting 10s have gone away, and that, as I said yesterday, hurts my ego.

On lighter news, I got some today *cough*. Joseph went with me to the mall, and then we spent some time in his house. Good stuff, except the intercourse triggers thoughts of rape in me. WHAT THE HELL?! I've never been through such thing, but everytime we're doing it, I start to remember all the cases I've read or heard of, in the newspaper, in books, in online journals...Jesus, I feel like a freak. I know this guy does it for love, but the act seems uncomfortable to me, and I can't help thinking of hurt in other girls. I ended up crying -again-, not just because of the pain (no big deal) I felt, but perhaps because I still see sex as a weapon of domination and punishment (trying not to sound feminist), even though that's not my case.

I still need to talk about this with him. I've mentioned it a couple of times, and he says he'll support me in every way possible, but I still should get real help. I don't's just a stupid thought, too much empathy at the wrong time. There has to be a way for me to enjoy this aspect of the relationship, leaving out the thoughts of things that have gone wrong for others (and the images, because not only I know, I also picture the cases, and somehow what I feel down there makes it a bit real).

Aside from that, thought, Joseph and I are at our best right now, and it's our second anniversary (!!!) next wednesday. More details as they develop.

I'll get back to work. Although I'm feeling a little tired and dissapointed at the moment.

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