Code name: happily fucked up beyond repair.
Wednesday, 10/10/01 - 3:53 p.m..

I'm here for the happy hour.

It's apparently one of those days that make your day. But underneath the blue sky, lies the decrepit side of humanity...fuck, that was crappy.

So was the day. I felt down, after thinking a lot about both guys I love. Which is good. Feeling depressed about a guy means that I'm about to get over him. But while my depression is happening, it sucks. I've been feeling really dissapointed all day long.

The first bad sign was that my blue bracelet was ripped off. It was just a bracelet, I know. But I loved it. "Get over it, dammit". I kind of got over it. Then I was feeling sad, knowing that I was throwing away my love, since there's no one to love. When I'm a relationship, I want to give and receive. Not only give. Not only receive. But that's off subject, right now.

Psychology: "let's talk about self-esteem.". Our teacher gave us three question:

Q: Do I have high or low self-esteem? A: I didn't feel like answering so I made a statistic graphic, showing my ups and downs: high, middle high, middle, middle low and low.

Q: Why do I consider this? A: because it's a statistic fact. See the graphic above.

Q: What is self-esteem? A: The fact that one esteems oneself.

I was still feeling down. But I considered it wasn't because of self-esteem. The day itself was apparently happy, but like I said, it was just a mask. For some reason, many people was feeling down. Then, it came Fidel's hour. Oh, man, I should dedicate a whole entry to today's class. It was about american literature. He extended the topic. It was basically about saying that "The Empire" is not innocent.

He compared the United States of America with the Roman Empire. "Peace". It happened with Rome. Their "pax" was nothing but eliminating people who protested about the Empire. For the Empire to be in peace, other places have to get fucked up by the Empire itself. The Empire does not negotiate. The Empire exterminates. Rome did it. And The USA does it. Napalm, atomic bombs, soldiers. Fidel said: life is fuckin' logic (he says the things right in your face). Sow seed of hate, you'll harvest hate. When you sow a mango seed, you harvest mangoes. It can't be any other way.

So, here I am. Living in USA's cheap bitch. But I'm fuckin' american, too, because, geographically, America is not a country, it's the whole fuckin' continent...Killing all those people on sept. 11th can't be justified. But "America" seems to forget all the things they've done in the past. All the things they keep doing, up to the present time, to countries like mine. They supported our civil war, for Christ's sake! Giving $1 million every fuckin' day...and to the wrong side! "America" seems to forget that terrorist attacks happen every single day, and no one gives a shit. Hundreds of people are being killed every single day. they're not against terrorism. Otherwise, they would have started that "war" long, long time ago. And you don't destroy terrorism by killing all the people that live in the country the terrorists are from.

It's like thinking that by killing someone with AIDS the disease will disappear. They just do what Rome did to the ones who were thinking the oposite way. Destroy them. "Hey, the Empire was attacked!!!" Does the Empire know why? "The Empire cannot be defeated". What you do to get your foolish pride back? War. And here we go again, innocent people got killed. But, oh, no, there's a reason why, supposedly ("No one messes with America?" Really? Oh, man, who the hell can have a head to think that the terrorists didn't know what they were getting into by attacking the Empire?) "America" bombs Afghanistan, kill a few innocents and then sends food to the survivors? What the fuck is that? And who got killed? Innocents. As always. Is "America" sure of who are they fighting against? Not a damn clue. But they're going after Bin Laden because he doesn't like the USA. And by the way, he's still alive. Oooppss. "America" missed. The Empire is not that wise.

Ok, "America" is a great country. But just like the rest of countries, has its sins and its flaws. It's great how much they worship their nation. But sometimes it's too much, like fanatics. Some of us are bothered with the "wearethechampionsoftheworld" and other attitudes. I don't mean to offend anyone. America is beautiful. But it's not innocent.

Ok, on a brighter note. The people around me in the classroom, declared war to a guy named Fausto (whoa, nice name). It's 8 people against him. They all were throwing paper balls and paper planes...they're fighting for "Al�h". Yeah, 'apparently' they're based on this Middle-east conflict. It was fun though. But I'm in the middle, like the innocent civilian. Fortunately, I wasn't injuried. There's a Holy War in my classroom. Holy Shit.

On the second recess, I watched. I watched a basket ball and took timing. I started watching the basket ball at 9:41.

9:42, It hit someone in the head.
>9:44, It hit one of the players.
9:48, It hit one of the players who wasn't playing at that time.
9:52, another innocent soul is hit.

On a sider note, the ball was going to hit a girl. But magically, she stood up right before the ball lost control. It got me thinking...do we control our own destiny? I mean, the ball was meant to hit the girl. It was about time. But while the ball was in the air, she stood up, without even noticing the ball was approaching. It's amazing how many philosophical thoughts you can get out of watching an amateur basketball game for 20 minutes. Yes, I know it's kinda stupid what I'm doing, trying to get the average time that takes a ball to hit someone. That's maybe impossible. But it does give you a lot of things to think about, while watching people play.

Gotta go do math.

Conclusion? Yeah, I have one today. Well, it's not a conclusion. But the day kind of got better after school was over. I'm on the road again, without loving anybody. Althought right now hurts like a bad fuck...I feel empty.

Jump thru the window, took my life on the lam...look out pretty mamma, I'm on the road again. I'm on the road again, you can do what you want!...you can do what you fuckin' want.

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