Thursday, 07/20/06 - 11:57 pm.
This week, my 14 year-old nephew is staying at my house, while my niece is at her mother's family house. I must admit that there's been no problem with them whatsoever, and there's no sign of any crisis with my nephew, like the frightening bursts he'd have at home in Houston.
Which does lead me to believe what I learned this semester. Context plays a vital rol in the manifestation of any genetic condition you may have. But I digress.
This morning I took my happy nephew to the mall, to get him a pair of sneakers, a new cap, and to eat cr�pes. It was a nice morning. He's a nice kid. He's always in a good mood. He did bring along a small bag with medications, and he's been taking them. But it's all good. He's sensitive, smart, inquisitive, and funny.
***
I went to visit Joseph yesterday. I'd been looking forward to see him since friday, and I couldn't wait to be in bed with him. But when the time came, I wasn't aroused. We went onto the intercourse, but it hurt me. Lube isn't a problem at all; the problem is that lube doesn't seem to be enough. Sex just doesn't turn me on (I know it isn't a sexual orientation issue, because I have no desire of getting involved with a girl the way I am involved with Joseph). I didn't get aroused, or only my body did. I endured for a bit, but I started to cry and Joseph didn't want to go on.
I cry not just out of pain, but also out of frustration and shame. I get frustrated, although Joseph says he's not, because he doesn't get pleasure out of the act itself, as much as of what it means in our relationship. I stare at him, perhaps with a "you gotta be kidding me" face, but it seems it's true. He didn't seem frustrated yesterday, and was mostly concerned about making me feel better. I was frustrated because I couldn't make it. He said we only needed to practice. And then all ended well.
But at night things got quite nasty, when we were talking online. He was pissed off, because I'm on vacation and he barely sees me. I know I'd be upset if he was the one on vacation and we only managed to see each other two hours per week. So it wasn't that I don't undertsand him.
He started to get very cynical, and his last line was "wow, forgive me for being so stupid, I hand't thought of that", and then I said "No, forgive ME for being stupid", then logging off inmediately, because I couldn't bare any more of his words. I cried a little, but then I sat and thought that I should go back and speak. It was only like three minutes, in which I tried to convince myself that he was going to break up with me and it was for the best.
Indeed, I logged back in and spoke. He said it meant that I cared about our relationship. I knew he meant it, but I was hurt and acted like he was still being sarcastic: look, enough with the sarcam; I know I've played my part terribly, you don't have to rub it in. "It wasn't sarcasm, I swear!".
We talked things out, and we calmed down. See, it was just a moment, five minutes in between a conversation. But he was so bitter, and so hurtful.
- Me: I love you, and all but...I don't want to see you, for the time being. I hated the way you talked to me, and I feared that if you'd told me that face to face, you would've...
- Him: when have I ever raised my voice to you? Even if I'm upset?
- Me:...never.
- Him: well, don't think I'll start now.
I apologized for storming off, and for always being the root of our fights. I mean, he's in his right to be mad, because I'd be mad, too. But...I also let him know how fucked up it was the way he acted, and how it hurt me. He apologized and apologized, and said he didn't deserve I forgive him.
I spent the rest of the night deeply hurt, and didn't fall asleep until I cried so hard that my whole face was wet. We ended up the conversation in very good terms, though, the make-up was cute, and he got all romantic and apologetic.
But I can't say I've forgiven him. I mean, I have...but it's again this trouble of being too emotional, and I have some resentment. The funny part is that I barely remember what he told me. I do remember reading line after line, each one with a sarcastic tone, and feeling overwhelmed until I told myself I didn't have to put up with that shit.
He called me tonight, and everything was normal. I'm seeing him tomorrow. I do want this relationship to work, and so does he. But I swear I can't shake off the hurt.
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