We were close to spending the night.
Saturday, 07/22/06 - 11:21 pm.

My family is out of town for the weekend. And after some hesitation this afternoon, I called Joseph and told him. He was ringing my doorbell 45 minutes later.

I was dying, I was nervous. You know what was killing me the most? My very own Super Ego. I had this guilt of having my boyfriend over, when my parents were out of town. I was ashamed, also, because at least one of the neighborhood watchmen saw him. It was about 4:30 when he came over.

It took me a while to relax. We fooled around in bed, but never got to taking all clothes off. I was too nervous, paranoid, thinking that my parents could come back home. He was upset at my nervousness; why invite him over if I was gonna get this way? Still, I think we would've done it if he'd brought a condom. He simply forgot.

Either way, we had a good time. We cuddled and all that. We made tons of plans, about going out for dinner, and stopping by his house to get a condom. Originally, I was determined to let him spend the night, in spite of the watchmen. I made sandwiches, we ate, and we were about to watch A clockwork orange. Afterwards, we'd go to bed (not precisely to sleep).

But my cousin ruined everything. He called and said he wanted to come to my house and check one thing on the internet. I told Joseph, and I thought of hiding him in a room. That, of course, is very low, but it was that or...him leaving. I was going to dare to have my cousin find him watching a movie with me, but Joseph said he'll think badly if he finds me here...everybody does, anybody would do. And after a lot of painful hesitation, he left. He didn't even let me give him a ride. He said this was not my fault.

Less than five minutes after I saw him leave, my cousin arrived. A stupid five-minute visit, then he left. Joseph called me when he got home, and there was the possibility of me going to spend the night at his house...or him coming back. But it was my hesitation of leaving the house (parents could call, poor Frog, etc) and the watchmen. By the way, I can only imagine what they thought when they saw Joseph coming, spending four or five hours here, and five minutes after he left, another boy (my cousin) knocking on my door. As long as they don't say a word, whatever. Whatever, I say.

I didn't dare going to his house to sleep over. He said that if it wasn't for the watchmen, he'd come again, because as your boyfriend, it's my duty being with you everytime I can. I felt bad, because as a girlfriend I have the same duty, but I don't do it. I'm not with him "everytime I can"...mostly because I'm scared and paranoid.

The problem is that this relationship happens behind everyone's back. He's a secret, and the fact that I was nearly forced to hide him in my house is just the ultimate example of that (and that fucking recurring dream I've always had!!! I must've mentioned it some time, that I dream often of him being in my bedroom, and having to hide him from my family). Which is why I've always asked him to come visit me. It's pointless in terms of doing something fun, but it's just for the people in this house to see we are serious. But instead, he gets mad when I suggest that idea. Which was the root of our last incident, that I mentioned recently in another entry.

Still, he says I'm perfect. I can't believe he says that, so I point out at all my flaws, because honestly, it's always me the one who keeps this relationship from growing (as I haven't been able to face my parents, it all comes down to it). He says it's nothing that can't be changed, and that I have so much potential. Proof is tonight I gave him a handjob he won't forget. He said I "won". That means I'm above all his past girlfriends, and that I drove him crazy like never before.

My relationship with him is so ambivalent. I think we do fight over the very basics of a relationship, to the point that, when it gets ugly, I'm sure we'll break up. But then we talk, and make up, and he reassures me he'd die without me, and we're talking of spending the rest of our lives together.

He's very understanding, most of times. He left frustrated tonight, but he was also feeling bad for putting me in a compromising position. He said we're probably not ready to spend the night together. I fully understood that statement when he left. I was so sorry, but also a bit relieved. I am not ready, indeed. Well, emotionally I am...let's say, the circumstances are against me. I'm just scared of other people finding out.


And for the record, I just watched A clockwork orange. All that ultra-violence freaked me out. Having read the book, I knew what to expect, and in a way, it was like I imagined it. It's a strange story, all in all. I don't know what to say. I love the story, though. It's a shame the US version [book and film] cut off chapter 21.

Back to the previous topic, I feel trapped.

prev / next