Friday, 08/18/06 - 9:48 pm.
I've been terribly at updating, but in my defense, I...well, I haven't felt like it. These past days have had nothing worth documenting. But in a nutshell, I've been finishing my article with Victor, retouching the child abuse final document, enduring awful fights between my sister and nephew, and, surprisingly, writing some (thought I'll probably delete all of it soon).
Our printer finally died, and my dad and I went to get a new one, the cheapest we could find, because we're short of money. And yet, he keeps having projects for the house, because every once in a while he gets all whiny about the layout. Since my mom is resting after her operation last weekend, he's been in charge.
I ran some errands in the morning with him. And in the afternoon I went to university because I had to; the semester started today. Things are very differente since I started university, four years ago, so it's not big deal to me now, nor to any of my classmates.
Joseph came with me, but we've grown a lot, and being around campus is boring. We ate something, and then walked around campus. We should've stayed at his house instead.
But then we talked a lot, something I guess I should talk about here, but it wouldn't help me that much. The future. Now that I'm only a year and a half away from graduating, I'm starting to panic, just like I did in high school when it was finishing.
I've been giving a lot of thought to leaving, to studying abroad. I don't like this place: too dangerous, too crowded, too hot...off the top of my head. And what upsets me more is that I can't say "I'll move to another city", because aside from the capital and its surroundings, there's no other place in the country where you can live with the bare basics, barely. It's that sad.
And yet, I'd like to stay here, for several reasons, however small. There's so much I can do for the people of this country (without sounding too patriotic, because I'm not)...which is also a bad thing, because that doesn't really mean I'll make a living out of doing something that needs to be done. Jobs are usuaully underpaid, and the impact, if I any, would be insignificant, in the big scheme of the universe.
So I'm having this dilemma. To leave or not to leave. My only way to grow academically is going abroad, but when I come back, if I do, I won't find anything to put my new abilities to work. All my siblings have studied abroad, so I kind of feel the pressure of doing it, too, although I know nobody in my family would ever compare me to them in that sense. But I fear that if I didn't go, I'd be frustrated.
Joseph is a huge reason why I'd stay, but the moment he finds out I've given up something for him, he breaks up with me. He always says he won't ever be an obstacle in my life. And, well, I DO see him in my future, but he would never come with me if I studied abroad, which I respect and understand. He doesn't want to leave his dad, probably the only person in his family that matters to him. I think his dad matters more than I do to him, but I'm ok with that. I'd never make him choose.
We had this long conversation in the afternoon, about his crappy childhood and the brother that ruined his life. We ended up talking about me going abroad, and plans for the future...actually, none of us has a plan for the future, except that we want to be with each other.
He was being a bit harsh to me, about my plans on going abroad. I'm not sure what his point was. I wasn't hurt or anything, because I knew he was trying to give me a different point of view. He ended up talking about fear, my fears, and I always appreciate his sort-of lectures on a few subjects. He's only trying to make me stronger, and so far I don't think he's failed. I've grown a lot, and it's mostly thanks to him. And I'm happy to know that he says the same to me. He says that everytime he sees me, he wants to be a better man. Aw, thanks, man.
I think he was trying to tell me that I didn't know what I wanted, but I am well aware of that, so no offense taken. It was a rather complex conversation, in the end, but it did leave me thinking. And more concerned.
I'm worried. He says I win nothing by worrying. Which is true, but I can't help it.