Wednesday, 07/31/02 - 4:11 pm.
- Me: Joey's thinking of going solo...I think Aerosmith, my Aerosmith...they're breaking up...
- Him: Nooo!!!
- Me: I'll bite my wrists until they bleed to death.
- Him: No!
- Me: I'll jump off the roof then...
- Him: Ok, that's better.
- Me: Thanks. So you think I'm better off emulating mashed potatoes?
- Him: No. But I'm jumping off after you.
You know, that just...hit me so deeply...Not only that, before that little excerpt of conversation, I'd written a crying face, and instead of him asking me what was wrong, he just typed a kiss.
And I kind of hate that. I hate it because I don't know if it's supposed to mean something. I don't know if he really means it or it's just part of the game we both started weeks ago by biting each other and now has evolved into something so much bigger...I don't know if he's really emotionally affected as I am, or just pretends (not because he's mean and likes to play with girls, but because that's how relationship is...to pretend we are in a serious relationship, as if we had an active sex life and shit).
We talked online for an hour. I told him there was a small eathquake in Costa Rica. Turns out he's not going there anymore. He's going somewhere else. Still, it's out of town, so it's like he was going to L.A. or Costa Rica. He's leaving tomorrow, and is coming back monday night. Monday night.....That's a long time.
So I'm gonna be practically alone, with no one to talk to. Well, there's Veronica, I think I'm going out with her and her best friend Claudia (Norm's ex-girlfriend) and obviously her boyfriend Clown one of these days. But that's not what I need. My friends are on their way to Honduras. I mean friends like Art and Cel, who I already miss.
Then there's The Guy. He called at 9 o'clock this morning. He kind of refered to me as his sex object, although then he tried to make it up (no, I'm not hurt by that...he's just dumb).
- The Guy: No, actually, I was just calling to check on you...
- Me: Yeah, that's what urban legends say.
Sure, yeah, I will call him to let him know when I'm home alone so he can come over and we can fuck in every position and even invent new ones. Not.
I'm really happy I stayed home though. I woke up at 7 am and imagined 89 out of 110 seniors on their way to Honduras. 14 hours by bus. And you know what sucks? if I had gone, I'd have had to choose between rock music (like Slipknot, System Of A Down, Incubus...) and crap music (kind of for discotheques). There was some major conflict because of the "rocker bus" and the "non-rocker bus"...who's going on which one, who shouldn't because we don't like that person...it was terrible. It made some people cry. I'll save the details because there are too many names and groups involved but it was horrible and ironic. It's been said that the prom trip brings the seniors together. But in reality, it just makes me realize what I've always suspected...how divided, closed and selfish everyone in this dumb class is.
I've been thinking about him the whole day. I don't know what I feel. And I'm not going to write anything because I shouldn't. I just can't put my thoughts in order...I try to find a sign to know what's really going on between the both of us but everything is so...ambivalent. It's a double-sense. That's our slang. The way I talk to Carmen, Norman, him...it's all a double sense. Whatever we say can be taken in more than one way. Even if it can't, we do. But whatever it is, I can't stop thinking about him.
This is getting old, right?. This is getting unbearable. This is getting dumber. I don't even know if I love him, yesterday was a bitch and left me with more doubts than in the beggining. Was he really hurt about the lipstick thing? Was he just pretending like we pretend we meet every night? I have nothing to do. I can't do anything about it.
This feels like I'm in an island, abandoned. Like a one-week island (if that makes any sense). I'm gonna be practically alone. I'm sort of wishing this week ends right now and I can go back to school and see him.
On the other hand, I don't want time to pass by. Once it's august, time is practically flying and...we're one step closer to november. And therefore, to the end of my school years. To the end of my life as I know it, as I've known it since I started going to kindergarten. And that's scary.
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South Station Blues - The Joe Perry Project
(Perry)
Got no place to run
got no place to hide
sittin' at the railway station
destination far behind
behind
Live my life for love
love that's hard to find
some are givers, I'm a taker
love can make you blind
make you blind
Got no time to lose
time you just can't find
give a dozen yesterdays
to make tomorrow mine
make it mine
Got one life to live
got just borrowed time
Don't close or blink your eyes
you'll lose your chance to fly
chance to fly...
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