You've a reached a turning point; enjoy your panic attack.
Monday, 02/05/07 - 11:08 pm.

These past days I've given thought to something that should've caught my attention a long time ago, but I stupidly was taking for granted. And I was almost putting words to that realization, when my brother walked in this afternoon in my room, eating a hamburger, and he did it himself.

I have no money to pay for my education after I graduate.

All this time I was thinking "oh, I'll get a scholarship". What if I don't? The universities I've checked for graduate programs that interest me would never offer me one, I'm not even a US citizen (back home, I have no options, there are only two master degrees in areas I'm not very attracted to). And if I did get one, you always have to give something back. I know that's only fair, but chances are, I have nothing to give back, other than my own soul.

My brother says it'd cost me at least $30,000 a year. And not even between him and my other brother in the US there would be enough money to back me up, to show the university that I have a way to afford the studies. How could I get all that money in one year? (it still would be useless, because I'd need about five or six times that sum to go through the career).

I don't want to sound negative, but I see a strong possibility of me not making it. Sure I could pray to God, and I can say He's never abandoned me, but He's not going to give me a scholarship just like that. My brother asked me later if he'd shattered my dreams with our talk about money. He did, but it was needed. It was just a reality check I'd overlooked. I'm so confused about the whole studying abroad thing, I honestly don't understand the process. I read steps in university websites and it's all greek to me. I dont know. I don't know anything!!!! I don't know how you start, how you get the money, how you go through the process, how you submit, how you even apply to 50 different institutions, out of which maybe 45 won't ever reply.

I'm considering getting back to cutting, checking myself in a mental hospital and rot there for the rest of my life. It's ok if I cut, because hey, Joseph is going to leave me, anyway!

Because, he says, we're from different worlds, and he's an obstacle in my life, and we want different things, and yeah, man, I see your point. I hope he's happy with his self-fulfilling prophecy that he's not good enough for me...he's said it himself, he has low goals so he won't be dissapointed. Last night he started with his whole self-deprecation routine, and that I should marry some genius yankee, that he doesn't deserve me, and I wanted to smash his testicles.

He says I'll get tired of him, he says it so often that I'm actually tired of hearing it, and so I don't want to talk to him anymore. He says he's good for nothing...well, duh, I've never seen him doing anything other than "working" in a shop where a bunch of losers look up to him because he gets laid and they don't. I've never seen him try anything, I've never seen him put himself in a situation that offers some degree of dificulty for him to overcome. He gets mad when I ask him to do something, enrole in some course or whatever, saying he's good for nothing.

He's right, he's not good enough for me...he offered, and has given me, me love and stability and commitment and acceptance of my flaws and praise of my qualities, and a chance to grow as a human being. But he's never thought he's good enough for me. And he wants me to leave him so he can prove himself right. I can't win. I can't stay with him, I can't get away from him.

I also hate when his last words before signing off are "I won't bother you anymore". That's what he said to me tonight, just after the conversation had started. If I take more than 10 seconds in replying he'll say "oh, you're busy, sorry to bother you". I don't considerate it manipulation, just fatalism and a lack of self-worth. What a fucking baby he is. Last night he asked me what I'd do if he took his own life. He's perfectly capable of doing it, and it wouldn't surprise me if he did. I told him I'd go back to cutting and being the sad person I used to be. That made him back off.

As you can tell, I am painfully afflicted at the moment.

prev / next