Highs and lows.
Saturday, 02/10/07 - 11:42 pm.

Damn, I missed the Harlem Globetrotters. There was a show yesterday, but I didn't even think about it, because my brother was on shift at the hospital, and I knew my SIL would have a handful with the kids (I just didn't know how much, which I will address shortly).

And there was another show today, but I was kind of embarrassed to ask my brother to take me, because it was past noon and he hadn't slept all night, and my niece was finishing her basketball game, and...yeah, I should've told him. He asked me tonight, what about the game; I explained him the dates, and he said he'd have taken me today if he had known.

This afternoon I also got mad at him because he was going to take me some place while he was gonna run some errands, but he didn't. Time would prove that I was at fault: I fell asleep and he did try to wake me up. I swear I thought I was awake, because the TV was on in the room (my niece, the potato couch) and I heard it all the time. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried hard, to my own surprise. I felt hurt that he "ditched" me. But anyway, I stayed home and cooked ribs, so it wasn't a loss, and he'll take me tomorrow. He's a good brother (all my brothers and sister are, for the record).

Well, last night. I wrote the previoous entry while an argument was going on. I missed the whole story, but there they were, my sister-in-law, nephew and niece, each of them deeply angry at the other two.

My niece locked herself in her parents' room. My SIL got out of the house. My nephew grabbed a knife and headed upstairs, locking himself up, too. I followed him, and literally talked to the door, asking him to give it to me, saying I knew things weren't ok but he didn't have to do that. He came out of the other door in his bedroom, and placed the knife on the bathroom counter.

I talked to him later. It was very heartfelt, our conversation. So deep and so honest, that I ended up telling him about cutting myself, back in the day, and he told me how they listen to him from the ceiling lamp in his bedroom. He was feeling depressed, going through a crisis; he'd hit his mom in the garage, and he thought all his friends had seen him and were going to say nasty things about him. I'm not going to repeat what I said to him, but it was a lot of things I'd wanted to tell him for a long time, touching several subjects, and I hope he'll remember a few.

He showed me a chart his psychologist gave him, in which he draws dots on items like "hear voices", "feel anxious", stuff like that. It went up and down, like a rollercoaster. I think it's an advantage that he knows this happens, though, because he can find ways to cope for the next time things turn upside down. I tried to help him as much as I could. I know he just needed to talk, and he needed to talk to his mom. But she's so, so, burned out by the constant fighting with my niece, and life in general. I explained him, he got it. He said that I was very intelligent, while he held my hand and rested his head on my shoulder.

By dinnertime, he and my SIL had made-up. My niece was ok, too. I don't think she listened to our conversation, but she was humming a song I, joking, sang to my nephew. She cuts herself, by the way. Which is no surprise, really. We talked about this with my nephew, because of the knife. He didn't intend on harming himself, it was just to get his mom's attention (impossible, she was outside the house). I explained to him why I was worried, told him I used to do it, and he said he once saw scars on his sister's wrist.

The night went by smoothly after that. My nephew was able to attend a battle of the bands, my SIL ran some errands, and my niece and I changed her bedroom, from one room to another, and baked cinnamon rolls. It was great, she was truly charming. And we also watched a movie.

This morning, it was just me and her. My SIL and nephew went out for the morning. I woke her up to get ready for a BKB game she had, and after a shower, she asked me to join her for breakfast, which I considered very cute. I did, although I'd already had breakfast.

Then the game, and the rest was written about at the beggining on the entry. I feel hurt about missing the Globetrotters, and it's my fault for not speaking. Perhaps "hurt" sounds too dramatic, but indeed it's a sharp pain. Regret. How I hate that feeling.

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