Monday, 03/12/07 - 11:48 pm.
My 5th and last year of university has begun. It was great seeing my friends, believe it or not! All bitterness is behind (even though it may come back). But everything seems so empty now; namely the campus, but it's a general feeling. I'm not sure what it is, though.
Classes are ok, and I have Mr. Basket as my professor again! He so rules, I want to tell him the article Victor and I wrote is getting published in april, in Nicaragua (hopefully!). Anyway, he was the one who gave me the most important books of our research, and I want to thank him once more. His class is Social Inadaptation, pretty much Social Psychology III. But it borders on clinic, so YAYAYAYAYAY! and stuff.
My other class of the day was Professional Orientation, in which I get a high school girl and together we find out what she can do with her life. Meh.
***
My friends asked me how Joseph was doing. And I also found some of his friends, and they asked me the same thing. I said he was ok, we were ok, but deep down I saw this coming.
We hadn't spoken since our little discussion last night. I logged on tonight, and he said he'd thought a lot. It was break-up talk, but I prefered it over the internet. That we were from two different worlds, and that he wasn't going to bother me anymore. Actually, when we speak calmly, we make good points, so I took everything in its stride. It'd be easier to end it this way.
Slowly, it started to hurt. But I was foreseeing a friendly break-up. Unlike the last time, two years ago, I was determined to keep his friendship. But...he started to get mad. Under other circumstances I would've been offended (he wasn't calling me names, just refering to me as a spoiled child, because I'm still overprotected), but I could see his point through his words. He got so mad that he said that if he cared about this relationship, I'd be in his house by now. That he had been a good boyfriend (he has).
And then "it's ok, nothing matters anymore. I won't bother you anymore". He went offline. If he hasn't said the bother part and went offline just like that, I would have stayed home and work through my pain, mourn, mourn, mourn and swallow the fact that it was over, for real.
But one of the things that really bother me, and I never let him get away with, is when he says "I will not bother you anymore". So I told my parents that I'd left something at Victoria's house, that it was urgent. They were shocked, and terribly afraid because, hey, the moment I step out of the house at night means automatically that I'll get robbed, hurt and murdered. They both even graciously volunteered to go with me, they insisted and insisted, but I was rushing and they couldn't keep up.
I got to Joseph's house, I was accidentally greeted by his brother and a girl...and here I was, all shaky and in a ripped t-shirt. I skipped the last three stairs to his bedroom, and when he opened the door, he yelled FUCK! and fell backwards on his couch. That was priceless. He thought it was his brother. Later he said he wasn't serious when he said that I should go to his house, he was just upset. I told him I came because it pisses me off when he says "I won't bother you" and goes offline.
I was going to give him the key to his house, but I figured I shouldn't go down without a fight. I didn't know I'd won by just showing up; I'd surprised him. I remained calm, the whole time he talked, I never interrupted. It was just about how different we were, and...stuff. It's a big blur. He seemed like he wanted to cry, he kept repeating I was the love of his life, and that he was supposed to be my last boyfriend, not the first one, because then I've missed out so much on life, and we were in different places, mentally and emotionally.
It was a friendly talk, and I refrained from crying. He exposed his point of view, and after all that, I just said "no". "No?". No, he's wrong. And even if he's right, about the whole experience thing, about the 20 boys waiting for me...yes, part of me wants that badly (in fact, the perspective of singlehood was very appealing), but I can overlook those guys, I can live missing on all that, because he's worth it.
I could feel the words coming, and my heart was breaking slowly. But he'd never say them! I had to ask what he wanted: ok, seeing each other at night, that's something I'm willing to work on (it's entirely a matter of working on my parents). I explained: I know I'm gonna be busy this semester, so I'd already consider the possibility of seeing you at night...which is why I was pushing you to come to my house! I don't want you to visit my parents, I just want you to be seen by them, for them to know I'm going out with you, so that when I come home, I can tell him: "hi, I'm safe and sound, he took care of me and we had a lot of fun". He put his head in his hands, I thought he was crying.
- Me: I don't want to break up with you, so you'll have to do it.
- Him:I don't want to, either!!!....so, um, was your day?
- Me: Terrible.
- Him: mine, too.
And I'd been trying to hold back, but I started to sob without control. He came and sat next to me, and hugged me, and he was shirtless, so I wet both his shoulders. He'd have prefered breaking up over the phone, because seeing me made him weak. But it was ok. By the time I was on his shoulder shaking, I knew we weren't breaking up. And we made a few commitments, and talked things out. We wouldn't have talked on the phone, or online.
I came home right on time: my parents were dialing Victoria's cell phone number, for the second time! I know they trust ME, but they're ridiculously paranoid! I'm five minutes late and they turn into a bundle of anguish. God is definitely on my side, though...either it was an old number or she had it turned off. She's coming tomorrow, and I already texted her explaining her everything, in case my parents ask. She said it was fine. She's also using me as a cover so that her ex-boyfriend won't get the pictionary they bought together while dating (she has it, but she told him I have it...and when he asks me, I'll say Irene has it).
My mom talked to me this afternoon, about Joseph, why he couldn't let me know he'd be working to cancel our date (which is what I said when I came home after not finding him at his house on sunday). I didn't pay much attention to her, and the things she was saying, I already knew. I felt bad for acting like that, but it also bothers me...I don't know exactly what. I know I'd like my daughter to introduce me to her boyfriends and bring them home, but it'd also be in my hands not to be so judgemental of them when I first meet them.
It's been a rollercoaster, tonigh. I'll head to bed. I already have assignments I need to start working on. And hey, thanks for reading this far.
prev / next