I'm inadequate but busy.
Thursday, 04/12/07 - 9:34 pm.

Hello. Today was a rough, rough day, in which I feel inadequate.

I overheard a few guys this afternoon talking about my brother and his wife (both professors) in the cubible. I don't know what they were saying, I suppose nothing [extremely] rude. But I always get upset when people talk about my family, especially because they only know them in the teaching role. One of the guys is an acquaintance, and he knows they're related to me. But it still pissed me off, and hopefully I can say somethng about it tomorrow.

But more than that, I felt like crying because when I get angry, I do nothing. It's what Joseph says, I can't stand up for myself. I could've looked at them, or tell them to please talking about that away from me, or throw a piece of chalk to the guy to tell him I was listening (damn, we were about one foot and a half apart, from his desk to mine), I could've broken a chair in one of their heads. The last option was the most appealing, and so, the first to be inhibited. Meh, I never do anything. And then I'm so angry and inhibited that I feel like crying, and I easily fall to pieces.

I dedicated the morning to run Social Security errands. I'm officialy part of the system of now. The process could've been a breeze, last about an hour. But my signature on the enrollment card didn't match the one on my ID, so I had to go get another enrollment card at the university. Back and forth, the process took me about four hours. And my poor dad was tagging along, because he's supportive like that.

Let's see, what else went wrong and made my day crap...oh, yeah, I was invisible today. A lot of people passed by without noticing me. It's not the end of the world; whatever, I say. That was the story of my life in school.

For the first time in the entire career, I'm not teaming up with my friends. It was a mess, we were making groups of four, and we're five. We'd worked things out with another group, of three. But then Michelle and her "boo-hoo, I'm not part of you guys" side decided to go with another group, and a girl from the group of three left it. So now I'm the third in the group of three, they're good people, F and F, they're married. I've kind of wanted to work with them, they are focused, responsible and fully commited to the tasks. Something I can't always say about my friends. So in that sense, I think it'll be cool.

On the other hand, seeing that three of my friends (Victor, Victoria and Irene) were still together, and already joking, made me feel a little left out. I wish things happened like I wish them (heh): see, I'm the one who gets things done, I'm the reason we get high scores. I hope they miss me! But probably they'll just stop being lazy, work well and get a better grade than me.

Man, do I feel inadequate today. I'm pathetic for saying this, but I wish I had something, say, in my mental structure that...I don't know how to put it. I'm tired of refraining myself, and of feeling bad over stupid things. I'm so angry, about nothing in particular, and I wish I could release all that anger, but instead I get sad.

And now, things have gotten heavy. My schedule is full. Mondays are the worst:
9:30 to 12:30: meeting for Psychological Treatment of minors (it's longer, but to abbreviate).
2:00 to 6:00: going to school to apply tests on girls and give them advise on a career to follow.
6 to 8: classes.

The other four days, I have instructor time from 1 to 5; that is, attend students with doubts about class and grade exams. On wednesday and thursday mornings, 8:30 to 11:30, too. On tuesday, I'll possibly schedule my patient in the afternoon. Wednesday and thursday afternoons are for workshops with the staff of a boarding school, and for evaluating children at a public school. On friday afternoon, I have a meeting with my boss.

That's besides all the reading and writing, for exams, pop quizzes, papers, essays, articles and expositions.

It's a good thing that I'm busy, I need to get distracted from myself.

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