Scary dreams, failing, my patient, and not knowing.
Tuesday, 04/24/07 - 11:27 pm.

I've had three dreams, relatively often, about the same thing: in them, I'm hiding in a house, from life-threatening dangers.

First, we (I don't know who exactly) were running away from giant rhinos, and we locked ourselves in a mansion. They were destroying the doors. Second, we were hiding in a floating house, from samurai-like people, who were going to kill us with their sabers and guns.

Last night, it was the most graphic. I was in my garage with a few friends, and a car with cops was parked in front. A car full of people from a gang pulled up and started to bother them. Guns were taken out, and I saw how the cops were killed, how their bodies shook in the ground with each bullet shot at them. My friends and I got behind the car in the garage, and then snuck into the house, and we were listening to the gunshots, and one of them said "I'm going to college next year, to become an angel". Someone opened the door from the inside, and one of the gang was standing on the roof of the car, he was dressed like a ninja, and was pointing his gun at me. I woke up at 4 am so scared that I couldn't go back to sleep.

Which brings me to another topic: midterms! I couldn't sleep, so I read.

I got a 8.50 in Mr. Basket's midterm, 8.75 at the most. I am incredibly dissapointed, because I never got less than 9 with him, and I've had him for three courses. I am even more dissapointed because my mistakes were plainly stupid, it was shit I knew but couldn't translate very well in the application.

Yesterday, I had the Professional Orientation midterm. It was a shitload of material, and I failed because the questions were too specific. Today, I had the Psychological Treatment midterm, two in one: one for class, one for the weekly advising meeting for the patient. HORRIBLE! It's the worst exam I've ever had. I had three page-long matrix to fill, mostly by memory. It took me almost 2 hours and 15 minutes to give up (no, not finish it).

The professor has a bad reputation for wanting the answer she's thinking of, and I thought "nah, she just wants you to be methodical and precise in your answer". I was right. Which is why I failed: I knew what she wanted, but I forgot the long, methodical explanations. I'm not good at that, and I missed the obvious parts like what happens when you have a process of countertransference with your teenage patient.

AND speaking of patient, I met mine today. Perhaps because I'd been in touch with the preteens of the USA a few months ago, I was thinking I'd find an 11 year-old that looked like 14. But no, she's a little girl. Lanky, huge black eyes, very shy indeed. I didn't find out a lot about her, because she wouldn't tell me...and I wouldn't ask, I didn't want her to feel like she was in an interrogatory. She got a puzzle, and then we played mini-billiard. That's when the ice broke and we were laughing. I hope I stablished the basis for a good relationship.

You know, beyond the approach (psychodynamic, behaviorist, cognitive) and the techniques, the real ingredient for therapeutic change is the relationship, because is one that you've never had before, that doesn't really exist in the real world, one where you're free to be yourself without being judged. I was reading that the therapeutic change comes from a certain level of disruption from the system you live in. I loved that idea (but right, none of my professor could ask me that!). I was sad to know this girl had gone to a psychologist before, and, as she said, "I was mistreated". The lady called her ignorant and would yell at her. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! She should be banned from practising, right away.

I've been thinking going to the psychologist myself. Don't you ever have the feeling that you know something you don't know you know? It's not big deal, I guess, but these dreams got me thinking that there's something I'm running away from; and I have yet to see the real face of it.

I'm dizzy. I'm going to bed.

prev / next