Friends and S.
Monday, 06/04/07 - 10:00 pm.

Well, indeed, my friends had an awful time at the workshop. It rained, the guy that's teaming up with them stood them up, and they got wet. The group of teenagers they're working with, also, is out of their control.

I grinned to myself. Part of me felt bad for wishing bad upon them. But when Victoria told me how awful it went, I really didn't feel guilty for doing that...because actually, what I wished or didn't wish didn't make a difference. That's how things were. From the start, we're working with difficult groups. And the guy standing them up...well, there's a lot of people who'll fail you all through the career.

I told all this to S., a little more elaborated. He was amazed at the degree of consciousness I had of my feelings over that, and the way I've handled them. I didn't really tell him who "they" were, but he probably caught up with that. I sort of gave him a background on why I feel so excluded and why that hurts (8th grade, blablabla). He said I was entitled to feel like that, and understood, and listened (well, read) me.

It's something I can't have with Joseph. Sure he kind of validated what I was saying, but he was talking about hating, and punching, and wishing they rot in hell. It's not like that! They're still my friends, and like I told S., they're very dear to me...I just have some resentments toward them.

(Speaking of Joseph, last entry I said I was mad at him, but it was over what turned out to be a misunderstanding...I sent him a text message at midnight, really pissed off and hurt, but he called back all happy and drunk explaining calmly the real deal, and he even cheered me up with his drunk-ness; next day he was hungover and asked what was up really, but we just forgot about it)

In fact, today after the awful, awful Professional Orientation midterm, at the private school, my friends were waiting for me so we'd walk together back to campus. Even Victor. So it's not like we hate each other. I try to keep my head cold, and understand that even though I'm bitter about a few things, I would never ruin the friendship/bond/ whatever, nor the history we have.

Obviously, as the story goes over and over, now I find myself longing to talk to S. Waiting for him to come online or show up at the cubicle. Today we walked to the private school...every monday he comes and "picks me up", and we walk together. Today I sent him a text message asking him if he was going to show up, and he did show up minutes later: sorry I didn't reply, I was in the middle of an interrogatory; I was being asked about you, actually.

Yeah, yeah. People talk. But it's not like we even see each other everyday. Part of me wishes we did, though. Yes, I am very attracted to him. He's witty, he listens to me, and understands me, and always says the right words...he's got a great sensibility, so I don't doubt he's a great therapist (I think he's a volunteer at the university clinic).

Sometimes he says it's a priviledge that I trust him and that he's grown very fond of me. I feel the same way about him. Of course he knows I have a boyfriend, I tried to slip that in somehow...for him, and for me, mostly. I'm not a big deal, but I've broken a few hearts and I hate that, so I get a little paranoid about anyone falling for me, because I'm with Joseph and it's not part of my politics leaving someone over someone else.

*Sigh* I feel trapped again. But I survived Joe (and that was a two-year-long battle), I have to survive S, too.

BUT! There's plenty of work for me to do, and I will get into that right now. So good night.

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