I care about grades.
Thursday, 07/05/07 - 9:40 pm.

As much as I try to deny it, I can't help being hit by a low grade, to the extent of crying in my bedroom for 30 minutes. I got one today, and the perspective of two more on the way kills me. Just what the fuck is wrong with me? I work my ass off, and it comes out like I'm not putting enough effort.

My Professional Orientation professor gave me the grade, and she said she expected more from us (Irene's my partner in this subject). What can I say? so did I. I felt ashamed, and I've wanted to hurt myself since then...more than that, I've experimented the impotence of having made a mistake that can't be solved because there's no turning back in time to fix it.

Joseph would say it's no use crying, because it doesn't change anything. Precisely, I'm crying because I'm pissed off at the fact that I can't change anything (and usually when I get pissed off, I get sad).

And yeah, maybe I do compare myself to others more than I'm willing to admit. One of the envelopes on my PO professor's desk had one post-it that said: "good!". My envelope had two: we made new mistakes in the new report (we'd turned in a draft before) and we should change this and that. I felt like pulling my hair. I wanted so bad to get a good grade. Hey, who doesn't, right? Especially when you actually care about being one of the best in the career, because since you dedicate most of your life to it, you expect your dedication to show in your grades. But my grades are getting lower and lower.

I wanted to run and tell someone how bad I felt, but there wasn't anyone. Well, there was Sulley, and I kind of told her, enough to release some feelings, while avoiding breaking down. She gave me comforting words, but they didn't comfort me at all, because I was still a loser. A real loser: I lost a good grade over mistakes I could've avoided. And I couldn't change anything to make it better.

I don't even want to study anymore. Sure, I improved my grades on the second midterms on two subjects, but for the most part I keep going down the hill. I'm not failing any subject, really, but I'm failing myself. No one pressures me to get good grades but myself.

And I suppose this would be considered, at least from a cognitive-behaviorist point of view, as an irrational thought of mine. Ok, no, I don't have to be the best. And that calms me a little, grades are just numbers and they can't sum up the fact that I've actually enjoyed this semester because I've done and learned tons of things.

But I go back to the grade I got today (not so bad...I wouldn't think it's bad if I saw it on someone else), and how it's been so long since I got a perfect score. I still think it's so unfair that my grades are lowering while I keep breaking my back as usual, or even more. But who should I see about that?

I really, really can't bring myself to study, me feeling stupid gets in the way. But I should keep fighting, shouldn't I? I still have two chances to improve my general average, with two finals ahead. Yes, yes, I'll do that. Wish me luck, though, since hard work doesn't seem to do the trick.

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