Wednesday, 8/7/02 - 5:29 pm.
Ok, I lost an entry. I'm very dumb. And I'm too pissed off to write it again.
I received a lot of gifts and hugs from my friends. I thought it was so damn good to go back to school and see again all of the people I love. I received several bracelets, two necklaces, one ring, a pair of earrings and a Gatorade bottle filled with sand. More important than the gift was the meaning of it, though. I thought of you when I saw this! and all that, very nice. The hugs were the best. Vic, Sophie, Art, Cel, Adri, the Obese Girl, Patch...those "I've missed you so much!!!" hugs. Vic's are the most dangerous (you can hear your bones crack), and the best ones, too. Up to that point, I was having a great day.
But then everything came downhill, and now I hate this week. I won't see Denv until next monday, because tomorrow classrooms A and D (mine) have to get out of school and I have friends coming over in the afternoon (to work on some shit). On friday, it's classrooms B (Denv's) and C's turn to get out of school, and once again, I won't see him. On saturday I have to go to work on the orphanage (I'm thinking seriously over not going after what happened) and get together with Carmen and Norman to study math. On sunday I have my friends coming over again to finish the lit project and to top it all off, on monday I have a wonderful math test.
I feel so fucking pressured I cut myself even at school. Not to the point of bleeding, but cutting myself seems like a way (the only way) to release some stress and frustration.
Vic gave me a cigarette, although he wasn't happy with the idea and it was hard to convince him. Listen Tyler...I know I'll regret this...let's make a deal, ok? I want you to show me that 'gar tomorrow...the way I'm giving it to you right now. Do not smoke it, ok?. Ok. He said I was very "him" today, cutting myself, bitting the inside of my mouth to taste blood, wanting to smoke...what's your problem, my little thing?. He even hit me with some piece of fabric after he'd called me down for doing that. He hates to see me in self-destruction mode (I can't really say anything though, because I do it, too...but you shouldn't do it). He's very sweet. I love him. In a deep, different way.
Tyler...in Honduras, I had the hottest sex experiencies of my life!, he said, being in love as he is. He described me the enviroment (very romantic) and such...you can tell he and his girlfriend love each other so much, as much as Art and Cel do. And that's all the love anyone could ever give you.
Speaking of love, I didn't see Denv a lot today, which was kind of disappointing and definitely did not help with my awful day. I did spend the third recess with him, but he was kind of physically distant and somewhat distracted. The only thing that got to me was his reply to my begging to kill me (because my math period was about the start): do you want me to stuck my tongue down your throat so you can't breathe and be unconscious?. Yes, please (I said to myself). We were just talking online (I really needed to talk to him) and he said that his soul only belonged to me. Sweet, indeed...but after today's (lack of) interactions with him, I believe it's just in a playful way. Great. Just great.
Hi, I've been living in denial.
Ok...I've had a very boring, depressive, desperate day, and for now, things are not looking up.
Now I have a cigarette in my backpack, and several scars on my arms. I feel very decadent.
But hey, life is peachy.