Thursday, 08/09/07 - 8:40 pm.
I wrote the following earlier in the day (WAY earlier). Not much has changed, but at least I saw Joseph and we resolved some issues. I went to see him in the morning, we had our long talk. He came with me to pick up my semester papers at the university, and then we came to my house, from where we walked to a pizza place nearby.
The thoughts below kept me up from 1 to 4 am.
***
It's 2:30 am, and I can't sleep. I'm having cramps that make me hopeful my period is coming...I even felt the particular warmth of the blood. But then again, I've been having cramps on and off again for the last couple of days, only to be dissapointed that the pain doesn't translate into discharge.
I guess I should start by saying that I've been very clockwork this year. This is the first year I've marked my calendar with my periods, and by now I had hoped that, following this new tradition, I'd get it on july 28th. That day, I was going out with Joseph, but slight cramps made me cancel our date, because I feared they'd get worse. They didn't, and my period didn't come. I figured I'd get it in later days. Unusual, but not unheard of in my life (once I skipped it a month, but by then I wasn't having sex, so life was a breeze).
A week later, last wednesday, I start to miss it. But I'm too busy with my wisdom teeth to notice. I thought the meds I was taking and the fact that I wasn't eating properly could get in the way of its arrival, too. I let the weekend roll in. Joseph was at the beach the whole week (it was a holiday), but I sent him a text message saying I'd better not be pregnant. Half joking, half serious.
On monday, everything went dowhill. I talked to him online, after not talking since last tuesday (because I couldn't talk anyway, after surgery). He always replies the same thing first: �I'm gonna be a dad!�. Not precisely what I want to hear, but he's right when he says it's no use telling me to calm down. That's why he was on asshole mode, he got annoyed. But that also made me rethink our relationship, and that, I'd done over the week we didn't speak.
In a nutshell, I hold a lot of resentments toward him. Many, many, to the point of not missing him and being ok with not talking to him. But the next morning (tuesday), I went to his house. I was ready for a break-up, but I wanted to see if some things that were running through my head were true or I was just blowing things out of proportion. I did debate whether I should go or not...if he was indeed mad, then I was doing that thing of rushing to his house whenever we have trouble online. I hate that pattern. But still, I decided to go.
I woke him up, and the first thing he said was that he dreamed of me: we were having sex, I was pissed off at him AND I was pregnant. Aside from the dream, he hit the nail in the head on a few things, like we're too different and we'll end up hating each other, and so we should break it off now that we can. Back to his dream, �I remember I was cynical enough to tell you that the baby was not mine�. I called him son of a bitch. And he said �yeah, I am....and the worst part, is that my whole life, that's what I've wanted to be�.
His support regarding my supposed pregnancy were, to say the least, a disgrace. He kept telling me I should get over that I was pregnant, and that no way he was going to tell my dad; �you're going to do that....I can be with you, but you have to tell him�. That upset me a lot, but I thought it also had to do with what he said, that it's no use telling me it's gonna be ok and that my period will arrive when I take things calmly.
He brought up the plan B, with tests and abortion, if test was positive. He's always made clear that he'll support my decision no matter what that is, but I guess he's seen me partial to abortion. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. I've always thought it's up to whoever is in that position to choose what to do...I guess that makes me pro-choice, but also, I've always considered a fertilized egg a human, so I'd also kind of consider it murder from any moment since conception (but I wouldn't question anyone desperate enough to do that).
I left his house having worked on some of our issues, but with many others in mind. Lately, being with him makes me feel nothing but hurt and anger, and if I'm still in love with him (I think I am, due to my interest in working things out), then those feelings are under all that hurt and anger.
I came home and started reading about pregnancy. More importantly, I didn't remember the last time we had sex, but I recalled it was three or four weeks ago. I remembered there was some dripping while he didn't have the preservative on, so I started to freak out. He told me, while I was in his house, that a friend of him (whom I've met) got a woman pregnant even when he used condom and ejaculated outside of her. That's not a miracle: condoms are only 85% safe, and pulling out early is not a method of birth control.
Luckily, I read this page -really, really helpful- and just yesterday, a question about dripping was posted. Obviously, that's not enough to conceive. So during the day, and with the cramps, I was sure things would get back to normal, soon. Still, life has a funny way to laugh at you: I kept seeing babies, hearing topics about babies (brother #3 and wife have decided to start trying!), seeing pregnant women, hearing talks about birth and I even wound up at a baby store. Everything was on sale, and for a while I thought of taking a test, and if it was positive, I'd buy a few things while the sale was on.
3 out of my 4 siblings have had children by accident. Brothers #1 and #2 married before the baby was born, and thankfully their marriages have worked out. My sister had it rougher, because the father is a bastard. All of them found nothing but support in the family, and if I was pregnant, after the horrible lecture from my parents and brothers (I think my sister would stand by my side with less judgement), the baby would be welcome and would be loved inconditionally by everybody. That's not the problem.
The problem is that neither me or Joseph are financially capable of dealing with parenthood. At least my siblings were. And I'd hate to be a burden to my family, my parents especially, in that sense. Not to mention, I'd have to put on hold my academical aspirations for a considerable amount of time, if not give them up for good, and I fear that'd frustrate me and I'd take it out on Joseph (whom I'd partially blame, aside from myself) and even worse, my kid. And yeah, well...the shame. The dissapointment I'd cause in my parents. These things make me reconsider what Joseph says, about having being there for some friends when they went for an abortion: �it's the best decision you can make at the time [ironically, my mom said exactly that today, although in a different context]...you weigh your options, and while you're aware that it's gonna be painful emotionally, considering the circumstances, it's the thing to do. My friends look back and they realize it's the best thing they could do, and even if it hurts, they don't regret it�. I'm afraid I would.
See...I would like a baby. I swear to God if I was able to support him/her and myself, I wouldn't think twice about it. The thought of killing something inside of me, something that's bound to grow and be somebody...it makes me cry and hate myself.
Tonight I woke up at 1 am, and the cramps were gone. And I broke down and cried and cried, I prayed to God to please not be this true. I spend cycles sure that I'm not pregnant, and cycles sure that I am. I felt like dying, and asked Him to forgive me for this thing I got myself into. I tried to forgive myself, too. Then I calmed down, because I need a cold head. Indeed, I weighed my options, and calmed myself down. Cramps got back, and for a while I thought I was bleeding. But it's stopped again. I'm on the lookout for implantation bleeding (that's like the confirmation to the crime I'll commit sooner or later) but I guess it'd have happened by now.
***
*Sigh* I don't "feel" pregnant, really. But my body seems to say otherwise.
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