Thursday, 08/30/07 - 9:55 pm.
Tonight, I left his house pissed off. Not crying. I'm hurt, but I don't feel like crying. Sure he's got sweet words for me and likes the contact, but when I said I didn't feel like it, he got discouraged, went to other room and turned on the TV.
I knew he wouldn't give in, but I waited about 20 minutes to get up and leave. I wasn't sad, I was angry. Fuck you, man, sex is all you want. Sex is the center of this relationship for you. Nice one you pulled out tonight, too. But I didn't feel like crap. I have no regret of saying no, because I didn't want to. We did it the last two times I went to visit you, I deserve a break.
And yeah, I realize it's kind of lame that you leave someone all heated up. Which is why I wasn't following his foreplay. I just wanted to cuddle, or talk. But no, really, being with me and having me full clothed and not wanting any it's a waste. I'm a waste. Bad, bad girlfriend.
I was going to leave his house without saying a word. In the end, I decided I should at least say something, like "bye" or "see you some other day", so it wouldn't look too much like a break-up. Anyway, I knew he wouldn't get up from his bed (from where he was watching TV) to try to stop me. He'd have said "bye" back. If anything.
But he was asleep. That meant a lot to me. I moved the pillow and he woke up. Keep sleeping, I said, and he replied "ok". I walked out slamming the door a little. He isn't exactly a movie character either, so I knew he wasn't gonna run behind me.
I'm sorry, I honestly don't have the time and the energy to sit down and cry about this. I'm hurt, but I expected that something like this would happen if I said no. He's all "I respect you when you don't want to", and he does; he backs off. But his attitudes say otherwise, and I can't help feeling even guilty sometimes.
Fuck you, man.
PS: I'm wearing retainers now, temporarily, due to some damage caused by my wisdom teeth. I look like a 14 year-old and they remind me of how glad I was to have the braces taken off, back in my day. So it's all good.
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