A shipwreck.
Tuesday, 09/18/07 - 9:50 pm.

My "friends" are a ship wreck, and I'm trying to stay away from them. It's working, because the distance between them and me has grown a lot lately. Of course it hurts, though; I'm re-experimenting a few ugly feelings (I'm amazed at the human beings' capacity to get themselved in the same disfunctional pattern of relationships, over and over). They're nice and all, but I don't miss them very much. I guess I'm very upset at all the times I had to do all the work. I'm sad and angry.

I was feeling like crap already tonight, and as I was getting in my car, the watchman from the campus parking lot came over. I'd hit a pole, and he asked me for my student ID. It wasn't very long, but it was kind of uncomfortable having everyone who walked by staring at the scene. I joked with the two girls I give a ride to (very refreshing, their company, you know). But inside I was feeling like it was the cherry on top.

My day wasn't that bad, actually. I had a test with my brother #3, and halfway through it, he asks us to stop. By now you've read the whole thing and have started to answer it and cleared your doubt. I understand the material is very dense, and my goal is that you learn, not that you memorize the whole thing. So take it home, finish answering it, and give it to me on thursday. What a fucking sweetheart. That'd never happened to me before, and it felt good.

I have an exposition tomorrow, and I have to dress formally. Blah. A lot of people have told me they're anxious to see me, but right now I just want to slit my wrists. I'm a little suicidal...normal suicidal, not like I'm looking for death, more like "I wish the gas tank of my car exploded with me inside".

I seriously need to vent, but I need to finish the exposition for tomorrow. The good news is that the effort came from everyone in the group, not just one or two people. I'll be finishing the paper, but someone else is taking care of the slideshow. And taking good care, she is very focused. I'd rarely had that experience before...someone as focused on me, telling me "that comma doesn't go there", or someone to discuss my ideas with. It annoys me a little, but that's proof that I was used to doing things my way with the gang (as I was the one left alone to do the work). And you can't do that your whole life, can you? I'm enjoying teamwork.

So I guess there's a bright side. There is, certainly. I feel like cutting, but I might get through it. I need to see Joseph. He always distracts me from all this. I don't know what I'd do without him.

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