Friday, 10/26/07 - 10:23 pm.
Today I almost crashed into a van, because, for one of few times in my life, I was too impulsive and sped up while it was coming my way. I had to steer violently at the last second to avoid the impact, and I thought, "what the fuck are YOU doing?". That little voice, scolding me for being stupid and telling me not to ever, ever do that again. I'm sorry.
You know what else makes me feel sorry? My social network has literally fallen apart. By now it's old news that I've parted ways with the gang. Whatever hope that remained in me that I could work on my grad thesis with one of them is through. Victor and Victoria are teaming up, and I'd thought about Irene, but...I don't quite trust her, in the sense that sometimes she just dissapears for days, or arrives hours later, or suddenly cancels everything because she has very important "things" to do. Michelle is out of the question, too, but she's got an offer from another people, so yay for that, I won't feel guilty for turning her down.
But the gang is the least of my problems. Joseph and I had trouble last night, and I tend to think he wants to break up with me. We failed at intercourse, and suddenly he says he doesn't remember what making love is, meaning all these three years haven't fulfilled him. And here I was, thinking I was making progress at sex.
We spent a considerable amount of time not talking to each other afterwards. I got dressed again and sat, wanting out. For a while I looked around, thinking it was the last time I'd look at his bedroom. But I knew that if I got up and left, he wouldn't rush after me, so I couldn't bring myself to get up. Minutes later, he sat on the couch next to me, and hugged me very tight. I cried a lot right there.
But then we started to talk about our issues. I know he is dissapointed with parts of our relationship, aside from his ever-present thought of not being good enough for me (funny, I'd said in bed, after he told me the making love thing; you always said you feared you weren't good enough for me, and turns out I'm not good enough for you). I know he's in love with me, also. I know he doesn't want to break up with me but he wants to break up with me. His usual argument, "I know you're better off without me", mixes with "but if I saw with somebody else, I'd kill myself. I'd kill myself, really". I think that's got to do more with yourself than with me, I told him. He's the one who needs to make up his mind, then, isn't he?
It was very cold and windy, and I crossed my arms. He walked me to the door, and even though he was in front of me, with his face close to mine, he just kept saying take care, study hard, etc. He crossed his arms, saying while he smiled that he was cold, too. Of course I was expecting he'd hold me, but when he crossed his own arms, I knew I had to go. During our conversation, he'd said he'd followed my whims, but I don't agree. He'd never put his pride aside for me; all the times I've felt like rushing out of his bedroom, I refrained from doing that because I knew he wouldn't follow me.
I want to see him and talk things out, but this time I'll let him figure things out by himself, because he's the one with doubts. This scares me endlessly, though, for the same reason mentioned above: I don't think he'd put his pride aside to at least call me. But I'm always rushing to his house days later after a fight, and I don't think I should do it this time.
I'm honestly in no emotional shape to catch up with all the things I have to get done ASAP.
prev / next