I sold my soul for a one-night stand (Aerosmith, "Sunshine").

I didn't want to write too early, but sometimes you have to get some things off your chest.

It's amazing how even the most fucked up things can get better with just a few words of a real friend. All you can think of saying to him is thank you. Thanks for understanding me.

I talked to the guy last night. I was feeling a bit better and he was working on an assignment. We talked. We just talked. He failed two subjects. We mentioned how fucked up we felt because people step on us. But he didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to tell him why I was feeling bad but we were having a nice conversation and didn't want to screw it up. And oh, man. He's got self-esteem problems, too. Just like Cory. He said he was ugly. I said he's not and he asked how could I prove him wrong. He obviously wanted some sexual innuedo but it didn't happen. I'll call him on monday. I got the feeling he was a bit sad. I hung up and came to find that Cory was online. I thought I could tell him how I was feeling but then again, he was with his self-esteem problems because of the girl who doesn't love him back. I chose listening to him. When people is feeling down, they don't hear the others. Maybe when he's happy I'll tell him about my own problems. After talking to both of them, I know I like them and love them. But maybe not that way. I'll just try to keep on helping them. They are such nice guys, they don't deserve being so fucked up.

After I talked to them I started watching TV. I don't watch much TV because I feel it swallows my brain. The video "Bootylicious" was on. How I hate that music. If you listen carefully, it has no rhythm. Anyway, suddenly, I felt like if my soul had just fallen in my body. Like I woke up. Then I noticed I was completely idiotized watching the colorful screen. Then I watched a decrepit proof of human shallowness. The pathetic world of pornography. Not because I felt horny. It was hilarious. Porno movies are lame. The thing goes like this: some people from other galaxy came to learn about us and they got this girl called Emmanuelle to show them everything about sex. So she took an ET girl to earth to have sex. They had lesbian sex and then the girl had sex with a man. And then with another. Then I watched Pinky & The Brain, one hell of a thoughtful show. I chose P&B over the porno movie. I mean, like I've said before, there must be something wrong with my hormones. And like I�ve said before, I don't fuckin' care. The sex scenes were...not disgusting but I didn't "feel" anything. It was stupid, because the girls were having sex and suddenly this Star-Trek ship appears and you see the ET people moaning because somehow they get to feel what the ET girl feels. That was....cheap, to say the least. You could think that they did that movie with $500.

Not to mention, the movie had this 3D glasses technology.

Saturday morning. We got a call from my 7-year-old niece in Houston. My brother kind of beat up my 9-year-old nephiew....YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to pass this fuckin' school year so I can go to Houston and take care of them. My brother is not that way. We're not the violent family. We've all learned from dialogue and parental advices. I don't know why he did it. Well, I do. Four of them (brother, wife, son & daughter) live under pressure. The american life they have to lead is driving them nuts. Parents driving 45 minutes, rush hour. Not being home all day long. Therefore, kids can't be at home and they stay at school, doing assignments. When they arrive (evening) they have to cook, clean up, do the housework, go to bed. Wake up earlier and the day starts again. What kind of life is that for little kids? I'm really worried, specially about my nephiew. He's insecure and shy. He hasn't lived in the same place for three years in a row. They've been always movin' in, movin' out. I have to go to be with them. They all say that I'm a blessing when I'm with them. Kids are at home, I cook, I do the housework...it's fun and it helps me to be a bit independent. So I can't fuck up the school year by failing math. I fuckin' can't.

I woke up and thought: why is that a teenager's life has to be so fucked up? They all have problems. Before I had this little, unhappy incident with Veronica & Carmen I had no problems. I still think that up to the present time I have no problems. I mean, I do, but they're not that serious. I know everyone has problems, it's just that teenagers...don't know how to explain it. I may do it later. I started crying this morning. Because of my nephiew, because of booth guys, because of Veronica's message, because of every little thing I could think of. And yet I felt that my life is wonderful. After all, my life is wonderful. Since Veronica & Carmen fucked up my life, I act like Daria. Jaded, indifferent. But I like who I am. Deep inside of me, I'm one happy teenager. Although most of times I feel "more or less", way down in my soul, there's always a little, stupid reason to smile. Not that smiling will right the wrong, it won't make life a whole lot easier but it's a nice accesory to use once in a while. As long as you feel like smiling, not just because others ask you to smile. I think of my two guys. I don't want to tell them "love yourself. Don't be sad. Don't cry." They won't listen to those easy-to-say words. I wouldn't. I did not when I went through those phases (not many people told me, anyway).

Just saying "no" to drugs is like saying "cheer up" to a manic depressant. You got it, Steven. I'd love to tell Cory that I felt ugly, too. That I always wanted to smash my head against the wall and die because I was ugly. But I wasn't ugly. I just wasn't good-looking. I worked some on my image. I'm not good-looking. I'm not ugly. I'm normal. Two eyes, one nose, lips...I look good, depending on my hair, most of times. I'm thin, but not anorexic. I've never met anyone physically ugly in my life.

Is the glass half-full or half-empty? It's just half.

Well, that's the joy of the teen age. You look at the commercials and teenagers are having fun. You look at real life and they're too down or too high. Oh, well...

I have to do a lot of school shit so I'd better get off this thing. Have to, have to, have to. But don't want to. But I will because I have to. There are two voices in my head telling me what to do. It's not an angel and a devil. It's Pinky and The Brain.

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