Sunday, 8/11/02 - 12:15 am.
Last night, talking to Cel online, I discovered the terrible duality I live in. I am a happy person. A happy, empty individual.
I mean...I am happy. I've told several times here (I'm too lazy to look for those entries, sorry...not that you really care, anyway) that I've met happiness. I know what happiness is and where it does not come from. When I was happy, I did not need anything. And because I didn't need anything, I was happy. I'm so happy I could die.... When you reach happiness, you don't care about dying, because (either it's true or the society standards have brainwashed you) happiness, real happiness (not pleasure) is the highest peak human beings are meant to reach. I do know what happiness is.
But on the other hand...I feel empty. I really don't want to live beyond 22 years (I know I said 25, but I've changed my mind). I'm not excited with the idea of becoming a psychologist. I'm not excited with the idea of becoming, I really don't know what to become. Art and Cel and many other people treat me like a great cartoonist and say that I have a lot of imagination, I'm constantly hearing how the fuck do you come up with such things?. I tend to think I do have imagination. But if I can't draw it and put it in words, how will people know? I wouldn't make it as an animator. I don't have the basics to learn the basics.
Then there's this dumb emotional black hole inside of me.
Simeon says that maybe is not happiness. You're thankful, not happy. Could be. I mean, I am thankful for all I have. My family (with parental units together after 35 years of marriage), my sober, professional siblings that have always looked out for me. My friends. Never in my life I'd had friends like the ones I have now. On the material side of my life...I have all I need (bed, roof, meals, clothing, entertainment -we *heart* Aerosmith and Internet-). A complete schooling in one of the best schools of the country...
Shit, what's left?
(yeah, ok...going to an Aerosmith concert and meeting them, but hey...)
Why am I empty? Life now is the same to me. Well, right now, it is not. But I'm two months away from graduating from high school, I'll lose my life as I know it, and I feel I'm not ready for that. It pisses me off and brings me down that I realized this just last year, when I discovered life wouldn't be the way is right now forever.
It seems you make your best efforts in life for the simple fact of making your best efforts, not because it'll pay off.
Sometimes I'm not quite happy with parts of me. But overall, I'm glad to be the way I am. It keeps me from doing stupid things (I mean, I do stupid things already, but I'd do stupider things if I wasn't this way).
I'm just less than 24 hours away from this crappy week to finish. The shitty week that started on wednesday and will finish tomorrow at 8:35 am.
How long before you screw it up?
Thanks for the question. 19 hours or so. "Screw it up" because I have a math exam tomorrow at 7:00 am. I'm screwing up for sure. How the fuck do you do sen20� walking barefoot? (that's just ESJ slang, I mean...we're supposed to do sen20� without a calculator). I do know cos36� is (1+5^1/2)/4, and I know that cos18� equals cos(36/2)� and I know that sen30� equals cos60� and viceversa. But I don't know how you do sen20� without the machine.
Today I read an article on depression and it had a few sympthoms. It said that if you have 5 or more, you are on your way to depression:
- moodswings (I have, but I think that's part of my personality)
- lack of capability to feel pleasure (I'm pretty sure I still can feel)
- changes in apettite (nah)
- Changes in physical energy (I've never have)
- Feelings of hopelessness, guilt (do I?)
- Constant thoughts about death (Yes, but I've thought a lot about it since puberty)
- alterations in concentration, lack of focus (sometimes, but I'm just lazy)
- retardation of movement (uh, no).
So I wound up right where I started, because if I happen to have those "symphtoms", they are part of my personality, it doesn't mean I have the disease. So there. I am a healthy empty person and that's all that matters.
Also, there was an article on Hitler's paintings. I hate to admit it, but that waste of sperm was talented.
Frog smells like a zoo today.
Hi, it's sunday.
It's about to rain. I should go to study. It's going to finish, it's going to finish, it's going to finish, this lameass week is going to finish soon...no matter if I screw up math, by 8:35 tomorrow it'll have finished.
The problem with sundays is that I don't owe them to anyone. Not even to myself. You can't give away sundays. The problem with sundays, is that I bitch a lot on them.
Hi, I'm eating japanese peanuts. I love them. They have the ability to leave their rind stuck down your throat.
And now, I'll hold my breath and drown into the rest of this dysfunctional week. By the time I write again, it'll have finished. If I don't write again, I didn't make it. Or I was asphyxiated with a japanese peanut rind.
But if you want to hear something good about my life so far: I've learned to learn.