Tuesday, 01/08/08 - 8:45 pm.
Things are falling into place. I have a hard time putting my schedule in order, even though I only have to juggle Joseph and the university. However, the university divides in thesis: research, meetings; graduation seminar: papers and classes, weekly deadlines; and being an instructor: supervising labs and checking reports. So it's a lot in the end.
Yesterday I found the gang, while waiting for the first thesis meeting in campus. It was cool seeing them and catching up, but the magic is gone. There's barely any chemistry between us, or at least between them (Irene, Victor, Victoria) and me. I gave them a little something I brought them from Houston. Irene looks good, though. She's lost weight, and her life is back on track, after a terrible meltdown in december, that left me fearing she wouldn't meet the requirements to take the graduation seminar.
While I was with them, I was thinking sadly "damn, I really won't work with any of them". But it passed quickly. I really prefer the way Fhusband and Fwife work. We already have our subject for the thesis (depression, yay!) and we're trying to make a contact in a hospital to see if we can go on with it.
Aside from that, yesterday I had a breakdown. I'm madly in love with Joe, I accept it, and I was thinking that it's been five years, and this "crush" won't go away. Yesterday I was boiling to run into him, and started fantazising about us hooking up and kissing and such. All because Victor told me Joe had asked about me.
It doesn't help that Joseph is going through some awful phase of doing absolutely nothing. He says he's been depressed since the holidays. I wouldn't say that, at least not on a clinical level, but if anything, he's dysthimic. Even before New Year's Eve, he hasn't left the house AT ALL, so he wouldn't "spend any money"; and he's broke, by the way. All he does is play MapleStory and watch soap operas. I asked him to go run some errands with me today, so he could see the daylight.
I walked into his room, and the smell was indeed of someone who's been there for a long time...living with three cats and not cleaning up. I woke him up, and he noticed I was not ok with this. I was dissapointed, and I ended up telling him. I cried while he took a bath, because I hate how he doesn't take care of himself, how he doesn't think it's worth it. He wastes his life in that stupid online game. I was honestly not attracted to him, and I debated whether let him know that or not.
I didn't, but he hugged me and said he'd change, "some day". Yeah, a big difference that makes. After the errands, though, we bought something to drink (really good coffee, $0.50 the cup!) and I wasn't upset. He looked better, and we had a relaxed conversation.
It hit me how he was speaking of a certain episode in his life, and about how you have to treat a lie as if it is the truth, etc. I was laughing inside, because I haven't told him I'm practically living alone (parents still in Houston, for the rest of the month). Technically, it's not a lie, I'm just not mentioning one fact. I chose not to because otherwise, he'd put a lot on pressure on me, like beg/harrass me to spend every night at his house. No, thanks.
But this afternoon I did spend it at his house. I took my laptop to begin my research for the thesis, and I worked while he played his dumb online game. We took a break to have intense sex, and then we got back to our own stuff. About five hours, altogether. Then I left. And his room was clean by then, extra points for that.
And finally, I think I should come to terms with the fact that I will be mentioning the word "thesis" a lot from now on.
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