Monday, 8/12/02 - 2:39 pm.
And I thought the shitty week would finish today at 8:35 am.
No, it did not. Well, yes, it did. Now it's a new shitty week, but it's a normal shitty week in space and time. Not an abnormal shitty week (from wednesday to 8:35 am on monday).
Today it's one of those days that makes you go "it's just one of those days...".
Ok, what's so bad about the ending of this "week"? my math exam. Hi, I got the lowest grade. It's not bad because people will say something, they won't laugh at me. It's not about social standards. It's about me. I'm frustrated. I feel stupid. I am stupid.
And that's all I'll say, or I'll break down, and I shouldn't, because my parental units are around. I hate that. I have to pretend in front of them (I'm good at it, though). They're only my parental units. Good, good parental units. But parental units nonetheless. They're not my friends. They are just my parents. Ok? They have to know nothing about me, because they are old and they do not understand my issues.
God, I'm so stupid I can't even cut myself properly (lately, I slightly cut myself when I'm in a bad mood). I tried when I got home, when I could finally break down and see myself in the mirror during the climax of my silent desperation. You look so beautiful when you cry. Indeed. My lips seem thicker, and having in mind I love Steven Tyler, that's a plus. But like I said, I couldn't cut. No blood, just an insignificant wound. That's dumb. I am dumb.
So there. I hate math. I hate my math teacher. Well...I hate he is a math teacher, he doesn't know how to teach. It's like he teaches for himself and he's a damn genius. I am not, ok? I am stupid.
Hi, I am stupid.
What could make this pathetic even day worse? Well, Denv is now very cold to me. Sure, of course, what was to expect...we've always been friends, I was the stupid who thought there was something else. We didn't talk, we didn't have physical closeness...he made me feel like I was just another "I have to say hi when I walk by" friend to him. When I got home, I realized I had handled that situation with a superb stoicism. Really, throughout the day, I didn't feel affected by our lack of interaction. Even during math class (90 fuckin' minutes!), I was depressively stoic, more affected by my math wreck than for the realization that the denial of my feelings for him seemed to magically change the boyfriend-girlfriend-like relationship we had. Is it just a coincidence that right when I made the decision to stop loving him, he started being indifferent?
It all came together when I closed the bedroom door. My tears flow easily when I'm lying in bed upside down. It must be some gravity thing. I realized that his indifference did affect me. I wondered if it was that I was trying to make my feelings for him go away and some Force (sure, Yoda) thought it'd be ok to "help" me by making him be indifferent to me. But it did not help at all. I do not want him to stop treating me like his girl, I do not want our relationship to change, I just want myself to stop thinking that's for real.
I asked myself what was worse...if the math exam or his indifference. I think it's definitely the math exam. I'm already used to cry over hopeless loves and lost causes, I'm already used to have my heart broken, but I'll definitely never get used to failure and to handle the frustration it brings.
There's an old legend that says that when a big, black butterfly flies in your house, it means someone is going to die. There'd been one right on the wall, near the computer these past days. I found it today near the dining table, on the floor. A few minutes later, Frog ate it. There's now only the piece of the wing on the floor. Dad just received a phone call: a friend of his, a journalist, died last night. There have always been black butterflies coming into my house, but as far as I can remember, that legend had never been proven. Well, maybe it's just a coincidence.
Is it just me or the word "coincidence" only increases your doubts about the event?
I have to work. You know you are pathetic when you want to work on school assignments just to try to forget your lameass day.