Frog.
Wednesday, 08/06/08 - 9:40 pm.

We put Frog to sleep this morning. I was right there with her and it was strange and heartbreaking. She'd been in agony for days: throwing up, not eating or drinking anything, not being able to walk, barely peeing. I spent nights and early mornings wide awake, comforting her. This morning she was like a breathing corpse.

It was an infection, but her age was a decisive factor. My dad paid for expensive blood tests that showed that her kidneys were dead, so she was being poisoned by her own residues. That among a handful of things (even her gums were bleeding, the vet discovered later). She'd been in observation since monday at this nice clinic and we were just waiting for these results to make the decision. My dad, who'd came with me, and I made it inmediately. He called my family and said goodbye to Frog three times.

She seemed scared when things were being prepared. She opened her eyes widely and tried to move. I held her and talked to her. She calmed down. It was a long moment because the vet (good woman) couldn't find the vein. Finally Frog started to breathe more slowly and with the second shot, her stare became empty. It was unbelievable, seeing her die in front of me, but also a relief in many ways, for her and for me. The vet wrapped her in her blanket and put her in a bag, because her sphinters could relax. Another guy from the clinic carried the bag and walked us to the car, and he said he was very sorry for my loss. He was very gentle.

At home, Brother #1 had found a spot to bury her and we called our gardener to dig the grave. Brother #3 and his wife came, then my sister and his boy. It turned out into a nice family get together, we even went out for lunch while the gardener prepared everything. Even though we were sad, we were also taking it with humor. I was determined not to break down, at least not right then.

We buried her after lunch. My brothers were very supportive, they hugged me a couple of times. Brother #3 came home crying, actually. He was the one who brought Frog home for the first time, over 11 years ago, and he loved her so much. He used the name Frog for the first time, he'd call her a lot of funny names.

Since Brother #1 and his family (sister-in-law, nephew and niece) leave tomorrow, it's been a rather overwhelming day. We went out in the afternoon after burying her but as soon as I stepped out of the house, I knew it was a mistake. By then I hadn't cried like I needed to. The house is a mess because the kids are packing and are cranky, especially my niece. I swear to God, she pisses me off and I want to hit her to snap some sense into her.

There was a family dinner tonight but I didn't want to go, and my family told me I didn't have to. I'd just taken a nap (I was exhausted) and when I woke up, I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I was looking at her pictures, the last one I took was of her sleeping on a suitcase. She was sick by then, but not so much.

These nights I stayed awake by her side, I thanked her for everything and hugged her and kissed her; I went to bed thinking I'd find her dead in the morning. The last night, when I knew she wouldn't get any better, she rested her head on my leg and fell asleep, after God knows how long (she couldn't breathe properly so she always had her head up). Her coughing stopped so for a while I thought she was dead. But she was having the last of her peaceful moments. I even took out a mattress, and in the morning, I found her alive and sleeping on it.

I have no regrets with her at all. I am so sorry she had to be in agony for a few days, while we found out if it was treatable or not, but we did everything in our hands to keep her comfortable. One of my brothers said the blood tests were necessary so we'd come to terms with this; we had the proof it was irreversible. I know she had a great life; just three or four weeks ago she went on our family trip to the mountains and she was enjoying it. She made me so happy and I thank her for all this time. I can't stop crying because I miss her, it feels so empty without her snoring, or the sound her claws made when she approached; coming home and not seeing her running to greet me; so many things. My day started with me walking her around the block.

I've thrown away her meds, the IDs and vaccine records she had at the vet clinics I took her, a leash (I'll keep the newest, at least for a while). I put away her plate and I still have to remove the carpet she'd sleep on in the living room and her food. This is so hard. Almost 12 years of my life are with her and she's gone. I can't quite believe it yet, but it does hurt a lot.

There are so many more things I want to say, but I can't go on. I HATE the fact that now I'll have to talk in past tense when it comes to Frog. She'll still be in my cartoons and I'll keep her close to my heart always; she was an incredible friend. I love her and I'm nothing but thankful for the chance of having had her in my life.

prev / next