Thursday, 10/16/08 - 11:34 pm.
I closed down the case with my patient tonight. We started on january 17th, and it was 10 months of a one-hour session per week. Tonight we walked through everything. The day we met, she was drowning and her eyes were swollen and tearful, with a distant and hurting look. Then the rape, her awful family, her physical pain, her new ways of thinking. And now here she is; in control of her own life. What an amazing journey it was.
She had nothing but kind words for me. That this therapy I offered her would never be found in this country. That W., my boss, and I (she knew he was supervising, and she's known him for years) took good care of her and never left her alone. She was privileged for finding us and I changed her life for the better, for good. Earlier, when I was looking at her file, I found a phrase she said on the first or second session: she wanted to finish this year well. At that time, I had no idea how that'd happen. But she worked hard, we worked hard for this. And now she has plans for the future, the most inmediate plan is to keep studying and finish her career.
She's a whole new person. Happier, freer. It's amazing.
I was happy myself, and I felt accomplished. But then I was driving home and the loss hit me. Every patient that leaves is a loss, they say, but so far I hadn't felt that. And now I'm hit with a painful sense of loss. It's hard to believe I won't see her anymore. I was so comfortable with her. It never felt like something I *had* to do. I enjoyed every part of this process, and I'm honored and thankful for the trust she put in me.
I'm extremely melancholy at the moment, and let's add to that the fact that I'm graduating on saturday. Unbelievable. I'll get my psychology degree. And yet, the title is the least important thing to me. I know some people pay for a diploma and shit, I don't care. A diploma cannot compete with all the experiences, people and knowledge I came across during these six years. And yes, that's another loss. I'm not a student anymore, not in the conventional sense ('cause, you know, you never or should never stop studying and learning, whatever your field is).
So I'm very emotional right now, like I haven't been in a long, long time. I feel like crying. I'm sad. I'm closing chapters, and the new ones coming my way are uncertain. Life as I know it is coming to an end. BUT...what I'm leaving behind, I can't begin to say how much I've grown from that. Even though I'm sad, I feel great, too.
W. said this was the perfect therapy. A strong bond between client and therapist, a client who works hard and is willing to learn, a therapist with theoretical, technical and human skills (and an awesome supervisor)...it could only have a happy ending, and it did. All goals accomplished, a warm relationship, a new life. It was perfect. And it's gone*.