Wednesday, 10/22/08 - 10:00 pm.
My period finally arrived, and that was probably the last straw for Joseph. After me panicking for a week or more about being pregnant (and prompting one or two arguments about it), and then coming to tell him that, indeed, I'm not...well, he just said he knew. A small part of me wanted to be pregnant to teach him that pregnancy isn't prevented by will; and also, to make the worrying worth. My grown-up, more mature part, of course, is more than glad that I'm not in such a complicated situation.
I don't like this break we're taking. It feels like a break-up. He did an amazing thing on monday, he came to my house to drop off a couple of CDs I asked him to burn for my nephew #1 and niece in Houston. He offered to drop them off himself, and I appreciated that. But then he just stood on the doorway for no more than two minutes and then we kissed goodbye on the cheek.
I admit to being the one who keeps ruining the relationship. I'm the angry one. I stand by my ground on most things I've said, but my attitude hasn't been the best...I guess. I don't know. I also feel like he's punishing me, or playing reverse psychology, when he said no more sex. I'd said no more preservativeless sex. I don't know. I guess it's best not to suppose anything, though. On top of enduring his cold shoulder, which hurts a lot, trying to give it a meaning that might not be entirely true, sounds like an unnecessary amount of additional pain.
I was remembering our chats on infidelity. So I've started to fear he might do it with someone else. He has a lot of sex drive, and he was honest: he'd do it if he was horny, and under certain circumstances, but of course he'd try not to. I don't have such a sex drive but I also said I'd try not to, if the opportunity ever arose for me...which I doubt. But still, it's my promise. Given the human nature, it's as far as we can go.
Anyway. I asked him online tonight if I could see him on friday and he said he wouldn't be home. Then I apologized because I've never been on a break with anyone so I don't know how long you wait, or how you act in the meantime, or who initiates the, uh, unbreaking. He said he didn't know either. And right then I decided not to bug him anymore. Just sit and wait. Be quiet. I don't think he's spontaneously stopped loving me, but some things have pushed us away.
You know what just sank in? That "no more sex" line. It sounds like a break-up.
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