Friday, 11/07/08 - 5:13 pm.
I haz a dog. Just for five days or so. It's my brother #3's dog. His wife is going out of the country and she didn't have anyone to leave the dog with. This thing is a walking allergy, and my cats are having adjustment issues with the intruder, but it's nice to have a dog again. I still want to give a dog a home, but oh, well.
I just came from meeting up with Joseph. One or two days after my last entry, he said he wanted to talk to me. It was going to be quick and then we'd say goodbye. I was like, "what? Goodbye, as in break-up?". He said no, he had no intention of leaving me. So I took a breath of relief, and these days have gone by smoothly. Missing him a lot, but nicely enough.
So we met up at a coffeehouse. After the usual warm-up talk of how-are-you, he said something that confirmed my impression the day I got him a muffin. He is, indeed, living with a girl.
But not that kind of "living", as a relationship. She...she's like him, always getting in trouble. She has terrible issues with men, with her adoptive family and with alcohol. "She's like me, but without a plan", he said. Joseph always gets in trouble but he has a plan to fix everything. She doesn't. She was kicked out of her house. She's 21, Joseph met her when she was 13. So she's been around him long before I have. He says that if he ever had a daughter, she'd be like her. Which worries him.
She sleeps on his couch. They get drunk together because he feels 100,000,000,000% responsible for her and is trying to be the friend she needs right now. She's reckless, and given her affinity for alcohol, if she stayed with somebody else, she'd get raped in no time; she says she wouldn't care. Joseph is not the kind of guy that takes advantage of that. I am 100,000,000,000% sure of that. I'd bet my life on it.
I am fine with all this. Aside from the guilt I have from the strain I put on the relationship (we both have, I'm just taking responsability for my part), and the regret over a few things I could've done differently, I don't feel bad. I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I know it's a possibility, that he has some sort of sexual encounter with her during a moment of drunken unconsciousness, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know him enough to believe he deserves it. And he'll tell me if it happens.
He's in a crappy situation. More than a concubine, he has a a girl to babysit and try to help her to overcome obstacles he once went through (which fucked up his life). He's still out of a job, and he's getting kicked out of his own house on the 17th because a cousin is coming over and he'll get Joseph's bedroom. Ergo, the girl has got to go, too. I wish I could help, but I can't. I knew that since the beggining.
He's not breaking up with me. He can't. Just the fact, he said, that I'm handling his situation unlike any other girlfriend, makes me a keeper. We had an awesome conversation, too, so we promised that if, for any reason we break-up, we must stay friends. I think I could do that. I feel mature enough to do that. I'd have to get used to seeing him as not my boyfriend, but he, as a whole, is a keeper, too.
Today I was looking at wedding rings. I went to the jewel store owned by Brother #2's former father-in-law, the one who talks like The Godfather...good, good man. Anyway, I strongly wished for, you know...I'm so scared he won't be my husband, for one or another reason. I felt jealous of my friend Angel and his girlfriend, who recently got engaged (congrats, my friend!). I wish my future with Joseph was as certain as theirs.