Fighting for closure.
Friday, 12/05/08 - 11:30 pm.

The end is coming. The end of my life in the university. Today I stood in front of a classroom for the last time (that I know of). It was the final exam of Psychology of Learning. I stood there, and I'll miss it. That ticklish feeling of having power over the 73 students who are staring at you. No, seriously.

Some people turned in their exams and barely made eye contact. Others approached W and thanked him and told him it had been a pleasure meeting him. A girl came out saying "I'm going to cry", and I thought she meant the failed, but she was emotional over W quitting.

Some nasty rumors about him have been circulating, though. He's very affected by that. He quit because he wanted to avoid that. I know him and I know the rumors aren't true, or else he'd have been kicked out a year ago, when I heard the same rumor. And you know? Among others, it's the people from the psychology clinic who are saying those things, to the students. How childish. Is it professional envy? Whatever. It's unbelievable. And so, so unfair.

Well...before I go into "my life is so sad" mode, let me tell you this: I can't believe how easy things seem to come my way. F and F, the marriage I wrote my thesis with, have set up a house near the university, so they can start seeing their clients. In the case of F-husband, he already has a base, because before studying psychology, he was already a lawyer.

With W losing his job, I was losing his office and thus my space to see my two patients. So, I talked to F-wife, and she was kind as ever, and she'll allow me to use a room in that house. And W can see his patients there, too! I'm excited because it's kinda like I've wanted. A small clinic, with a couple of therapists, not charging a lot, because people can't afford it (they only realize how expensive this help is after they get better...and even then, the help they got seems so large it's even priceless). So it's not REALLY like I've envisioned it, but close. I have the chance to keep growing professionaly, and keep helping my patients, who, by the way, are making progress. It would've been a shame to cancel the process.

Ok, now the "my life is so sad" part, even though we've seen it's not sad. But...and I know I sound like a broken record...I MISS JOSEPH! Darn it. I went christimas shopping this morning and I got so emotional that I almost broke down and cry in the middle of the mall. He's not my boyfriend anymore! Yeah, yeah, I get it! I'm coming to terms with that but Facebook says we're still dating...that's gotta count, right?

Wait...speaking of the mall, I saw a guy I had a crush on when I was like 13...14, 15? Anyway, we met at english lessons. He's so, so handsome, and he hasn't changed a bit. I remember I used to love him and his friend (whom I found at my university years later and turned out to be Joseph's friend). They were a couple of years older...or more than a couple? I don't know, I remember they were seniors in high school and I thought, man, they're too old for me. But I loved them nonetheless and they seemed to be attracted to me. Not in a dirty way, they just liked me. I was bit different from the rest of the girls in the class (I remember one girl in particular...I learned she died in a car crash two or three years ago, as she happened to be Joseph's acquaintance).

He was getting off the electrical stairs, I was hopping onto them. I could've stopped, turn around and approach to him but I just said hi and went on with my way. Seconds later, I thought I should've come up to him and catch up. That thought bugged me for a while until I realized I did not remember his name.

Yeah, you know what else? I'm horny. And I'm thinking, if I'm like this, how is Joseph? It wouldn't surprise me if he already got laid. I consider my possibilities...all imaginary, yes, but I like to have eye candy. I like many guys, although if I were to hook up with some of them, they'd have to remain quiet. Will I do that? No. I don't dare. I don't want to, really. It's just my bruised ego talking...but also, the libido is there. Fucking shit.

I've been thinking a lot about Frog lately. It's the holidays, I'm sure. I wish she was here. She used to sniff the christmas tree and I'd put christmas ornaments in her face just to see her giant nose reflected in them. And now when my family sits down for the family picture, she won't come and sit in front of the couch. All pictures of my family posing on the couch have Frog sitting next to someone. It's the funniest thing. I miss her so much.

Next week I'll buy presents for my in-laws. Or ex in-laws. I'm still not sure what to get Joseph, but I'll make sure to drop it by his house next week, and try my hardest to enjoy the holidays on my own.

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