Yes....NO!, I mean....yeah mean, you get the point.
Monday, 8/19/02 - 3:30 pm.

I failed the math exam. But is not that bad, I did much better this time around. Only not enough to pass the subject this month. But hey, whatever.

Before the math exam starts, Art calls me over and I walk up to him. It's great talking to him because his eyes are very expressive and he seems to look into yours deeply when you talk....a good listener, if you will. But this time around it wasn't that good.

- Art Don't you have something to tell me...?

Do you remember that scene in "The Little Mermaid" when Sebastian finds out Ariel's dad knows the secret they've been keeping? He sighs with fear and goes ...he KNOWS!. That's pretty much how my voices went.

- Me:.....yes! no...I mean...yeah...I was going to tell you but...well, you do know by now how it goes, so no, I really don't have anything to tell you...
- Art: No, I do not know how it really goes...

His face is so expressive it intimidates you.

- Me: It's nothing beyond what you know...really, nothing happened...
- Me: If it's nothing then why are you blushing...?


I'd told Cel about Denv and I. Well, I just told her that "something" was going to happen between us. I was planning on not to tell her, but I thought I should inform her, as she's my best friend and you know how best friends appreciate it when you share stuff with them. She told Art, which is ok with me, because he's my other best friend. But when he asked "don't you have something to tell me?" I couldn't help blushing.

You see, quothing a Bon Jovi member on Behind The Music: we keep the family bussiness in the family (err...or something like get the point). That's what I do. So far, throughtout my youth, I've fallen in love with a lot of guys and no one, no one ever knew. I always kept it to myself because that's what I wanted. That way, I had to deal only with myself.

The only bad thing about them knowing is that...fuck, it's embarrasing. I'm embarrased to think that someone else knows I like a boy. I don't regret letting them know, I know they won't go spilling it out, it's just that it's embarrasing for me.

So anyway...people kept asking me why my face was bright red, because before and after the exam, it was. It's the exam, I'm mad about it. Partly, yes.

The exam was from 7:00 to 8:30 am. 8:30 is the time for the first recess. That's when I saw him for the first time today. He put his arm around my waist while I was talking to Cel and he calmly said: I've been raped by a man (read: the math exam was not pleasant). Then he left. Art was walking by and asked why I was red. No, it's the exam, it's the exam.... Cel had just told me a little mistake I make, so I guess it was truly because of the exam. I mean...I never blush when I talk to Denv. You know, stoicism. I don't get nervous when I'm next to him.

Next time I saw him, he was walking up to me and opened his arms to hug me...but I didn't. Because he was carrying Revolution X and I just tried to snatch it. We had a little fight and Norman wound up placing it somewhere in his body (underneath the uniform) so I'd have to reach it. Eventually he gave it to me, saying I had to pay a price. Which I didn't.

Altogether, our time together today wasn't more than 4 minutes, and that kind of upset me. Aside from the obvious fact that I wanted to be with him more than that, it made me question myself if I hadn't misunderstood what he said. Maybe he didn't mean he was in love with me...maybe he just meant I was a good friend of his.

But to a part of me, it's undeniable that he loves me. Those short moments like this morning, when he came from behind and held me so thight it hurt like a bitch and bit me so hard I still have his teeth mark on my back......but I don't know. Maybe I just took him for granted.

On the other hand, there's Vic. He got on my nerves today, tickling me and caressing my neck and shit. Usually he's a nice guy, but today he was very childish. I almost hit him. He stated again what he's been stating everyday for a couple of weeks now. Today it went like this...

- Vic: If I wasn't with her, you'd be going out with me.
- Me: No fucking way...
- Vic: Woooaaah, you don't want to date me...
- Me: No, no! I mean...yes, no!...yeah,, yes...fuck, you know what I mean!

It's not that I don't want to date him, it's just that I don't want to date him (dammit, you get the point). I love the guy to death, but he's like my brother. His girlfriend is the perfect girl for him.

Speaking of Vic, he gave me a bottle of rocks he, his girlfriend and Pablo brought me from Honduras...they're so precious. Like pieces of ice, like white chocolate...they're weird.

And on the other hand (hi, I have three hands), I'm drinking Coca Cola and I have to study. I'm still kind of mad at Denv and I know I shouldn't, because...well, I shouldn't. Technically, we have no attachments to each other. It's not jealousy. I really don't know why I'm mad at him.

Hi, I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

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