I have a bright future, but I'm missing someone.
Friday, 12/19/08 - 10:25 pm.

Two girls from university invited me to lunch today. One of them, R, called me yesterday. I'm very fond of them and the invitation reassured me that even if I won't be going to campus anymore, I'll have their friendship. It feels nice.

After lunch, I did something that I'd been loooking forward to and yet made a anxious: go to Joseph's house. I bought gifts for his parents, his brother and the housekeeper (we don't talk, really, but she's cooked for me a few times, so...). Cookies, in diffent flavors and shapes. Who doesn't appreciate cookies?

For Joseph, I got a keyboard and a 4 GB USB memory (have I said this before?). Since we don't talk, I was uncertain he'd still have a computer or he'd still need those...he needed them badly when we were, you know, together. Today when I knocked on his door he let me in. I quickly looked at his laptop; it was still there and without a USB keyboard, so score for me. Then I noticed the beautiful color on some of his walls; later, that he had a shower courtain...he never had that before. And of course, his cat and the six (six!) newborn kitties.

I gave him the present; well, the two presents, each item wrapped separately. I told him one of those was a chocolate, a $20 chocolate, and had he ever seen one of those Hershey's giant bar? I saw them in Houston, blablabla. I didn't think he'd fall for all that, but I think he did (or was making me believe he did), by the looks on his face, some comments and particularly the concerned phrase about putting the present in the fridge because otherwise it might melt.

I noticed he was doing something on his computer. Transfering files. I saw a USB memory and said "dammit!" to myself. Then I took comfort in the fact that it was ugly; and I took even more comfort when he said "this memory is so..." and I thought he'd say "awesome" but instead he said "such a piece of crap". Score again.

What kind of broke my heart was when he said something about his room, followed by a "I live with a woman, for God's sake!" (in retrospective, that's probably why he has a shower courtain). I know it's just his roommate, and it's not that I feel jealous. I also know he wasn't trying to rub anything in. But it made me hurt because...I don't know. Perhaps it's that I never thought Joseph would ever live with a woman that wasn't me.

Still, I gave him a very silent ride to his...well, it's not his job, some place he hangs out at. We had a small talk, but I had nothing to say. Truth to be told, this isn't new. Except this time I was biting my lower lip, over giving a ride to someone I have to start seeing as a friend. The worst is talking about my future...I say it like it is, and like it is, it sounds like I've put Joseph behind or there's no room for him in it. How can I prove him it's not the case?! I can't. I can't even bring myself to ask him anything about our relationship...or lack thereof.

He gave me a pair of nice sunglasses. Still, I came home a bit dissapointed. I knew from the start nothing would be said or done (given the circumstances, him inviting to come into his bedroom was much more than I'd bargain for) but I dressed particularly pretty today and I saw no reaction. Nothing that would hint me that he still has feelings for me. I think about the way he is and the way I am, and it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't.

These last days I've been raging at him...honestly, right now I can't remember why. After a while of being on the verge of tears, though, I realize it's not healthy, and the things I'm raging at are not really facts. They are things I'm assuming or interpreting in a certain way. Truth is, he's nice to me. He's cold, keeps his distance, but is still friendly. He still says his house is my house...if anything, for his parents, who were very happy to see me today.

My future has never been brighter. Yesterday I painted the walls of a room where I'll see my patients starting in january. The Fs gave me that room. I'm so excited about the clinic and the whole team-of-psychologists thing we're building with W and the Fs.

Also yesterday, I spoke to E, a girl...well, woman who's a professor at the university; she was my instructor, about 6 years ago. She won a scholarship, the same I'm intending to pursue, so I went to see her. She gave a lot of information, and today she sent me an e-mail with the name of someone who's interested in knowing me, as a candidate. You know? I'm so, so confident I'll get this scholarship...I also have to have a margin of doubt, though, in case I don't...but I am confident! I have everything it takes. And I'm eyeing universities of Dallas, California and Minnesotta (I hope it's Minnesotta! My friend Angie is there, and that also increases my chances of meeting up with Angel and his wife-to-be).

It's all coming along and I'm amazed and grateful at how things are falling into place. I didn't plan on all this. I wished for, but didn't plan. Or did I? Yeah, ok, maybe. I don't know. It's so much better than I expected, though. This clinic thing, I didn't see it happening in less than 5 years. And the scholarship thing, I didn't think I'd have someone to help me out with the process.

But Joseph...you know, I want him back.

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