Socializing and being assertive.
Tuesday, 12/23/08 - 5:25 pm.

Hello. I've been socializing. Brother #1 says that food is a key factor in socializing, and indeed it is. Yesterday I went out with my friend Victor (not the one who was my teammate). He picked me up, we ran some errands, I met his house and saw where my former parrot lives now, and we had coffee. We talked and talked. He's a chatter, sometimes I drift away because he goes on tangents.

At noon today I met up with Michelle. It was kind of a mistake, setting the meeting for today, because the city is all traffic during the holidays. Unbelievable, every street is jammed, and of course, even the parking lot of the place we chose was jammed. We ended up in McDonald's. In my defense, I told her to meet up earlier but she slept in. To my surprise, I didn't get angry, at her or at the traffic jam or at the fact that I still had to wait 20 minutes for her. I was hassle-free. I love rational thoughts and cognitive-behaviorism. They certainly improve your life.

We caught up, mostly about her life. She's involved with three guys: one, an old flame who's in town to see her; two, a guy even more unstable than she is and yet the one who makes her happy; and her boyfriend, with whom she's never been with for more than a couple of weeks, because they've had a long-distance relationship for like three years. And all they do is argue when they talk. She's moving to Sweden to live with him in january...but she's not in love with him. Tsk, stk. I hope all goes well for her.

Speaking of socializing, we've had family and friends coming over and we have tons of fruits and snacks. I love my extended family, except for my two aunts that are religious freaks and turned their backs on their husbands and siblings; I kind of dislike them for hurting my dad and uncles, but they haven't done anything to me, really. Also, I can't wait for tomorrow to give my family their presents.

I opened Joseph's present last night. It was not what I expected and it left me in awe. But let's not go there yet.

Last night he was a little mean to me. But it's a pattern: I tell him something I did or plan on doing, he takes on the subject and tells me what he did and dismisses what I say because his way of doing things is better.

You see, my laptop has a hard drive failure and I think it's time to change it, even though my bank account aches. So I tell him that I plan on getting a new one. He said I should get a $1,200 one; I say it's not necessary, I got mine at $700 and it's fine; he says no, it isn't, because he punched, dropped and spilled liquid over his and it endured everything, and it's a $1,200 one. I said "good for you" and he replied "ok, I know where this is going so I'll see you when I'll see you". Meaning he understood I was upset so it was best to stop talking. Of course cheap stuff may be expensive on the long run, but Christ...if HE's willing to buy me a $1,2000 laptop, I'll be more than happy to accept it.

Afterwards I thought I should've said "well, when you punch, drop and spill liquid over something YOU paid for (that laptop was a gift), call me and I'll be convinced". Seriously. First he dissed my taste in music, then he judged me for not wanting to pay a lot for a laptop, then he dismissed my experience because it's not what he knows and yet HE is the one who ends up offended. But I didn't cry. I called him "asshole", though I didn't type it, and logged out without replying to his goodbye.

My first way of coping was elaborating what went on and distance myself. I thought it was a big deal, because it hurt me...but I was surprised by my lack of tears. I didn't feel like crying. I was dissapointedbut I had an insight: I never really put into words this thing he does of trying to present his point of view and experience as THE point of view and experience I should have. He's tried, I don't give in. I don't give it much importance because I know I AM important, too. I'm not like him nor do I intend to be...except the enjoying-life-more part, I could do with some more of that.

Another way of coping, I thought, would be opening the present he gave me. I've kept it in my drawer, and since I considered it especial, I'd decided to open it until the 24th at midnight. But I said, what the hell. I unwrapped it. It was a DVD indeed, but it was unexpected: Fight Club. My jaw dropped. It's one of those gifts that tell you he listens. He's picked up the clues. I have a poster and the book. And now I have the movie. It did help me cope, but not how I expected.

Because I know, why not tell him how I feel? Face to face. He was an asshole, yes, it's very easy for him to be one when we talk online. So do it. Who knows how he'll react, but do it for you. Clearly, you feel confident enough to open up, so go ahead.

I'm still not sure what to tell him, though. Something along the lines of what I've said here. I'll ask him to please not be so defensive, that I'm playing by his rules and...and...I still have to figure it out. I decided I'd only think about that if he didn't argue when I told him "I need to tell you something". He didn't argue. I found him online today, asked him at what time I could come by his house tomorrow and told him I wanted to find him home to tell him something. He said he'd be available until midnight, so, good. Thanks.

So now I have to figure out what to say while being assertive: something to release my hurt without hurting him. I really don't want to upset him. As I told Victor yesterday, Joseph played very well this whole break/break-up thing, and for me the idea of not being boyfriend and girlfriend has been slowly sinking in, without major drama (it's painful, but non-dramatic). He was very smart by putting reality in front of our feelings, by resolving our issues the right way: attacking the problem and not just defending our feelings (hiding/denying) from it.

Aside from a couple of episodes, he's been nice and friendly to me. Just look at my christmas gift, or at the fact that he came to my house without me asking him to. Last christimas he didn't even get me a present (and today I was remembering that the same happened for my birthday this year, and he wasn't even in the country so he wasn't with me; out of nowhere, I REALLY resent that rght now). So, yeah, I want to tell him...I'm not sure what. To please don't be so defensive because I'm trying my best to be his friend and the two times he's been like that it was uncalled for? Something like that. I hope he doesn't take it badly.

And with this, I wrap up this entry. Merry christmas to you, dear reader. Merry christmas!!!

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