Sunday, 10/14/01 - 4:48 p.m..
Weather report = rainy and sunny, at the same fuckin' time. My-entire-self tends to ballheavyness. (Did that make sense?)
Yeah, yeah, big and apathetic news...both the guy and Cory called me yesterday.
The guy. He called because he had an "urge", y'know what I mean. He asked what I had on. Same old thing as yesterday, I said. Jeans and a normal t-shirt. I don't feel the need of dressing up, specially when I'm not going anywhere. He said Want me to tell you what I'm wearing?....nothing. Yay....I guess. So, he started with his horny fantasies, while I was just having a dejav�. He wound up asking me if I really wanted to continue this weird relationship. We agreed we both we'll think about it over the weekend. It'd be nice if I stopped doing that. I can't be anyone's sex doll..."just because". I wonder why he asked me that...again. We had agreed that we wouldn't do it anymore. Plus, he was the one to call, not me. He thinks too much with his little friend.
Cory. He called to ask me about Darwin and evolution. Big deal. It didn't dissapointed me, but I wanted to ask him if that's the only reason why he'd call me, just teasing. I'll see you tonight he said. He meant on the MSN messenger. But this generation thinks too much with its little friends.
After all, I feel happy that those guys are not in love with me. It'd be really pathetic if I had to choose one of them.
Here I am right now. Not later, not earlier. Right now. But not your "right-now". When it's your "right-now" it'll be my "later". Anyway, I'm here right now, thinking about my last week of junior high. I don't want to leave school, I don't fuckin' care how nerd it sounds. I don't want to leave because outside it's life. And life's not easy. Yeah, yeah, I'll face it. I'll learn to live along with life. But many people seem to believe that outside school...there's no school. Life is a hard school, and it has more classes than recesses. Wake up, dammit...when you're out of school you'll see the real consequences of drinking and smoking. Wake up, girls...when you're out of school, your girlfriends won't be around to walk you to the restrooms. Since I started wondering why girls do that, going to the restrooms in groups, I've been trying to understand why. I don't fuckin' get it. I'm a girl, but still don't fuckin' get it.
Since some decent time ago, I can't get this huge question mark out of my head. The more I watch people, the more I wonder. They all live in reality, but it's their own reality. Having fun, looking hot, blaming parents, having sex, going out and drinking with "friends", it's all good. After I leave this subject I crash into another...there's no reality. You can't say "this goes like this" and the whole fuckin' world will agree. Everybody has his own little world. There's not a damn thing that's 100% right for everybody...or else, we'd all have the same god, for instance. So, it's all relative. Even relativity, because for many people there's no relativity. That's the people with minds in permanent quarantine. So, reality is nothing but the total of everybody's realities. I'm not a nerd, but cool, shallow people at school think I am, because I happen to make an effort to study and the effort seems to pay off. There they go, judging and labeling people. Why? so when I fuck up they can come up to me and say, with an amused face "my God, how's that possible?"...when inside, they're feeling like gods. Well, I have nothing to do but put on my "I'm too sexy for your hypocrite, shallow, and amoebic way of thinking" face. And say umm, yeah, whatever.
My reality? I try to have a 5th dimention perspective. My outside reality, my inside realities, and everyone else's realities. I mix it all up and I get all mixed up. But it's either that or being self-centered and closed. It's like a kaleidoscope. Take it, see everything it has inside, always different, or just hold it in your hand and miss it all.
Well, there's one thing that is true, and the whole world will agree: it takes ages to build, it takes seconds to destroy. Think of anything built and imagine how long would it take to destroy it.
What was I talking about? Yeah, girls goin' to the restroom in groups, like livestock. The Society, with its orgies, girls, drinks and other shit. One thing I'll always remember about that particular group is the day when they caught one of the leaders having sex with a girl, at school. They're truly stupid. I think I'll follow them tomorrow. It's like going to a safari. Animals everywhere.
Oh, fuck. Yes, tomorrow's monday. Going to school. It's the last week of work. Which means, the other two weeks will be a fuckin' hell with exams.
I hope I won't run into Veronica. If she leaves me another message like the one on friday...I'll cry....shyeah, that's one hell of a consequence. No, seriously...I'm sick of dealing with her. Both her absence and her presence. Yesterday I happened to find again her message. I got the damn notebook and threw it against a wall, with tears of anger. I think I'll just rip off the whole damn page.
Shit, I shouldn't have mentioned her...I guess I still have a lot of things to get off my chest.
Simeon says that the only thing I shall fear is that I never tell her and Carmen how I've been feeling since they fucked me up. Why should I fear this? Because fear is what you have to fight against. In other words, he says I must dare to speak and cry off the pain they've been giving me. Go Simeon. I have nothing to lose. And if I have...fuck it. You have to lose to know how to win. Go Steven.
For now, I'll just...go outside and look up at the sky. That's one hell of a game. Have you noticed that if you stare at the sky for some time evebody turns their head up to see what you're staring at? I highly reccomend it. My score: 18 people in 20 minutes.
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