Friday, 01/09/09 - 9:41 pm.
Today I went to the new clinic, where I'll be seeing my patients. W bought a set of furniture and a box of tissues for the room. Today he supervised my progress on both so far, and I'm ready to begin next week. It's intervention time, I'm so excited.
(It's the first time I hear first-hand about a guy who is forced to have sex by his wife. This is Patient #1, crisis after crisis; he's a childhood friend of W's. P1 loves someone else (who just had a stroke) and today W informed me his wife got pregnant, even though they're always talking about divorce. But while we were in our meeting this afternoon, W's cell phone rang and it was the man's wife. She'd had a miscarriage; she said it was God's decision. I hardly think so. When you're in emotional turmoil, your body is bound to suffer some consequences. You have no idea the turmoil of these two. But that's besides the point, let's carry on).
Joseph had said that yesterday he'd give me an answer about going to the movies tonight. He didn't. And he's not online right now, so I guess that's a no. I've been thinking of going on my own, just for kicks. I even thought of going today, but that was part of a plan that would've caused me unnecesary damage.
You see, I waited for him to talk to me last night. When I was about to log out, I noticed he had updated his personal info, and I clicked on it. I think I was curious, because he's not the type of person who cares about online profiles. The line on top was his current personal message. The line below said i have a girl that makes me happy. Took a few seconds to sink in.
And then, you know, wanting out, crying in bed. This is when I thought of leaving him a message, "hey, I'm going to the movies tomorrow, so if you want to join me I'll see you at 6 pm". So I'd go, and if he didn't show up, I'd still see the movie myself like I want. If he did show up, it'd mean something or, at the very least, it'd be a moment for a corny romantic movie. I thought about doing that all morning. I decided against it. For starters, what if he didn't even see the message today? Or he genuinely wanted, but couldn't make it?
I've been down all day. I did beat Starfox 64, got the call for the job interview (tuesday!) and met up with friends for lunch. But I haven't felt well, one of my friends pointed that out. But I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I just want to get through with it, whatever it is. Is it really a break, or was it really a break-up? I don't know until I ask him. I'm ready to face the answer.
Which leaves me with the sole preocupation of when and how to ask him. That's even harder to overcoming my fear, because in this case, it's not just about my reactions. I don't know which would be the less unappropriate time to ask him, if I should do it online or face to face...online is faster and easier to blurt it out, but he's more defensive and he could easily say "I have to go" and log out/block me. Plus, face to face gives me the chance to be seen crying. I don't want to be a drama queen, it'd be my only way of saying I love you to him for the last time.
See, face to face is richer in content. Online is faster, but also, getting an answer is not guaranteed; we were never good at discussing serious topics, one of us would get mad too soon.
What exactly would I say, is another haunting question. I was thinking something like:
Hey, should I still wait for you or have you given up on me? I know you said one thing but evidence seems to show otherwise. I love you and I'm waiting like I said I would, but if you tell me you have another girl that makes you happy I'd be the first to congratulate you; or if you're just done with me, I'll understand. I just need to know if I'm waiting for something that won't happen, so I'll stop doing it.
It's not exactly how I'd planned it before, and that sucks because the draft in my head was shorter and still direct.
You know what else keeps me from doing it? Fear of looking too much into things. Fear of doing this thing he always tells me not to: assume. In my defense, I do have a feeling it's over; I'm just not entirely sure because I trust him, and I trusted his words of this being a break. Then again, he lives with this girl; he took her to his brother's wedding; he said he had a great time when they went out dancing. Sounds like he met his match.
How about e-mail, you ask? I'd have all the time to write it carefully, say it nicely...I mean, I'd like to keep him as an acquaintance, there are no hard feelings (or, in any case, the good times overshadow them). I fear his response, also. Like, he might get mad at me for bothering him, for getting like this when he told it'd be a good while. And that just in case his answer is "break". His writing/typing is awful and in general his tone is very cold, so I'd probably feel very hurt.
However...now that I'm writing this, I think this could be the best choice. I say all I need to say. And then I could tell him, I don't know...if it's true he's done, he has to go to Facebook (I just keep talking about this, don't I?) and change his relationship status. That way I'll know, and I'll close the deal, and we'll be "friends".
Does this sound right? It does to me, so much, but I'm scared I'll regret it the moment that e-mail appears in my Sent folder.
I know what to do, and by now I want to do it. I just don't know how.
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