Saturday, 01/10/09 - 4:40 pm.
A lot of thought and brainstorming after I was done with my last entry, made me send Joseph the following e-mail, a couple of hours ago.
I was going to ask you this on christmas, but you looked too miserable. I'd rather have this conversation face to face, but it would've taken a private place. And online, nevermind.
I wanted to ask you if this was really a break, or just one of those situations in which is said that space is needed and seeing less of each other would be better for the relationship, time goes by and when the two run into each other they act like friends and stay that way.
I let time pass by since christmas, but I ask you know because I have the habit of checking the profile updates of my MSN contacts and yours said you have a girl that makes you happy. I was thinking it's the girl you live with, because you see her often, and go out and have a good time. I know I shouldn't suppose, but I also supposed when I went to your house to give you a muffin and you closed the door behind you very carefuly (I'm kind of a n00b, but I watch TV).
I just want to know if I'm really waiting for something that's not going to happen, because I have that feeling. And I have that feeling not necessarily because there may be someone else (if that was the case, I'd be the first person to be happy for you, honestly), but because of the moment you're going through in your life and, above all, for all the times I failed you.
You don't have to reply by e-mail. If I'm assuming correctly, just log on your facebook account and change your relationship status. If I'm assuming incorrectly, forgive my insecurity, and believe me when I say I'm still waiting for you. Either way, you're a very valuable person to me.
I'll see you around, man.
I think it serves its purpose. Clear, polite and relatively short. A bit of a stretch when I say that's what I wanted to talk about when we met up briefly on christmas, but whatever. Now I just have to pray for him to get it, read it and not think I wrote it out of anger or something.
Many ideas have been repeated on this diary a couple of times now, but perhaps this will be the last time I mention them. I feel relieved just by sending this to him, because those words are doubts that aren't meant to be kept inside of me.
I couldn't help laughing when GK called it a "dick move". Even if this is a break (I'm slowly letting go of that idea, bear with me), he has been a dick on some things regarding our separation. I can say I never thought he'd be that kind of guy, but he did avoid me when he tried to feel me up without my consent when we started dating, and he did break up with me and got a rebound girlfriend to make me "grow up". Ok, ok, that did work, splendidly. Same could be said about this; it's helped me see things in a different light. Still, his methods of teaching are kind of rotten.
I was thinking of John Lennon's lost weekend, that weekend went on for 18 months. Is he pulling something like this, new girlfriend and all? Well, in such case, I should have picked his girlfriend. I would have picked his cat Waffles. They always made a cute couple.
And...hey, suddenly I have no more to say. I've said it all, to whom I was supposed to say it. I can only wait. But this is different from my 4-month waiting. Now I know what I'm waiting for, that awful reply to clear it all up, and I'm hoping it won't be long until I get it.
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