Sunday, 01/11/09 - 6:53 pm.
Such a crisis last night. I break down constantly. I feel like crap and my eyes feel so small. Every now and then I start to cry and my world stops, but I have things to do and I tell myself that I have to go on. So I carry on, albeit my visibility is impaired by the tears.
I started erasing the pictures I had of his cats, and the pictures related to him on facebook. I was going to erase the ones from him and us, but I decided against it. He's part of my history, isn't he? Like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, I suppose I'd like to keep the memories. I also thought about returning Fight Club to him, because I won't watch it. But it was a gift, after all.
Among the chaos in my limbic system these nearly 24 hours, I had a particular thought: what if he feels bad, as bad like me? What if he looks back and thinks I didn't entirely accept him and looked down on him for not going to college? Everyone has their own side, and what if he feels he's the hurt one?
I try to keep these thoughts from monopolizing and hurting me more than necessary, but every now and then I have them. How I let him down in many aspects, how he must be feeling so happy with her (whoever she is) and glad to be out of our unfulfilling relationship, how he must be shagging her and having a good time. Come to think of it, ever since he asked me for the break, almost four months ago, he was a little hostile toward me everytime we got in touch (except for the first time when we met at the coffee shop). Some times more than others, when face to face, and online, always. Like I was very annoying to him. Like he'd rather not have to talk to me.
Part of me says maybe he's trying to distance himself for my sake. He still loves me and is being mean so I will also take distance and forget about him. Part of me is still hopeful, when I think this. And as I type this, I'm recalling a movie we went to see, "the break-up". Such a depressing comedy. I told him I was scared that we'd end up like the characters did. One day, in many, many years, I'll run into him. We'll be polite and no more. And I want to cry just by getting that mental image. Of course I'll try to have a nice life, but I don't believe I'll be capable of getting entirely over him. I fear, and yet I kind of wish, I'll always have feelings for him.
Just a couple of days ago I was saving old entries. I was down to the last semester of 2007, and entry after entry there was a mention or two about Joseph and how I loved him and he made my life better. That made me want to remember more and I read some more about us and it's amazing the things he used to tell me and how he made me feel. I'm tempted to hang on to that, "but, but, but you said you'll love me forever", for instance. But I've learned that of course one says those things while dating, and of course, as some song says, love is eternal while it lasts.
One thing that's interesting, though, is how worried I was in december about our future, because of some of his views. My friend Michelle was trying to comfort me with this. I suppose we have different lifestyles. I really appreciated that he made me have fun and relax, and I even wish I had played along more often. But also I needed to know he could be my partner on the serious side of life. He had no motivation, he never took initiative in finding a job or preparing himself...he lacked money, but he also was useless managing it, he didn't even know how to save money and always refused to do it. Michelle said I deserved better than that, and if he is smart, pretty soon he'll realize what he lost.
Those fantasies heal my ego for a while, but then I wonder if he insisted on losing me because he thought it was the smart thing to do. I stick to what she said, though. I like to think it won't last long with the other girl; Michelle said he'll realize it's not all about having fun (even though that's very important), and he'll miss me. But then again, it could be the girl he marries and changes his life and makes him want to do all the things I wanted him to do. No one knows.
Damn. Four years. Right now I don't see myself capable of building that again. Joseph and I had a strong bond (yes, I'm trying to overlook my present), an amazing relationship, and he had a few traits that seemed really rare to me. He took care of me, never failed to tell me he loved me and I was the love of his life and sometimes we had wonderful conversations. Oh, and he wasn't sexist. Right, sexist! My friend Angel was helping me make a profile, and this is a must. Must not be sexist.
It's helped that I've talked to friends. I remember I was worried that Joseph was my social network, but either I started building it in these four months or it's always been there. I suppose I never thought of having friends because come to think of it, they're not in a gang. I have a friend here, a friend there, but they're not related among them. It's ok. The thing is, I have found a lot of support and a lot of opportunities to talk about how I feel and shit, and I'm really thankful to anyone who is concerned and/or has read so far.
I guess I've said enough today. I will not contact him, or write suggestive nicknames on MSN, anything. But I fear he dislikes me. I fear he thinks it's my fault. I fear he lost all feelings for me, and I fear he doesn't have an ounce of empathy about how I'm feeling.