Monday, 01/12/09 - 9:21 pm.
I went to bed hopeful last night. And I woke up the same way. Hopeful that we'll get back together, that he loves me.
But in the morning his nickname stated that he was going to Guatemala, something like "here I come, yay!". It wasn't exactly like that, but it sounded like he was about to take off. Boy, have I cried today. It wouldn't be strange if he decided to move there, and for some reason I got the hunch that he did that today. He's always wanted to live there and now...well, I don't think there's anything or anyone that's keeping him from that. I suppose I should say I'm happy for him. But I'm not. I feel like I'm never going to see him again. I have his key, a book, two CDs, his birthday is in february...no, no, no.
I don't recognize this person that's turned his back on me. I don't know him. I looked at a picture a while ago, the only non-digital picture I have of him. I don't know this guy. Four years and a half, and I feel like I'm staring at a good-looking stranger. "Don't do this to me, Joseph, don't do this". It seems everytime I cry I have a phrase to chant repeatedly.
Today someone I know is celebrating her 3rd month with her boyfriend. I got so discouraged, man. Three months seem like a joke to me when I compare them to the four years and a half. Four years and a half, how do you throw that away? I know a lot of people do, and it's perfectly normal that I'm feeling like crap. But I still need to ask. I fear there's nothing for him to remember me by. I tell myself things like he'll find someone better than me, someone he'll want to marry and will have kids. I'll be the second girl he'll refer to as "the girl I was going to marry". Third time's a charm, huh? I'm so screwed.
And yet, you know why I keep rubbing this thing in my own face? Because I want to get it all out. I want to wring myself out of any possible conflict. This needs to hurt so I'll lose hope. Whenever I get hopeful I go to his profile, which I added to my Favorites, and read and read the "I have a girl that makes me happy" and "I'm hung up [on someone]" lines. Reality check. It sucks, it hurts so much, but it's all I can do. I think the worse (and then I'm scared something unexpected will happen).
I have a job interview tomorrow. Victoria got a call, too, so I'll pick her up and we'll go together. I'm happy to have someone that comes along, company reduces anxiety. I'm not anxious about the interview but by the job as a whole. She's excited about it and hopefully the excitement is contagious. It happened once, when I asked her if she was interested. Seeing her glad to have a chance made me appreciate the chance more myself.
- Me: I just think the worse, and so if it happens, I'll be prepared. If it doesn't, I'll be relieved.
- Angie: Aw, my friend...
- Angie: So...
- Angie: What do you see in him?
She's been awesome to me, as a lot of people have. She's gone through the same thing recently and in general she's great at comforting me. The reason I've put Minnessota in my scholarship pre-application is her. It'd be fun living with her. I'm torn, though, because my favorite program is in California. Meh, I'll worry about that when it's time.
She says...she says that he's the one who doesn't feel good enough for me. That him leaving me is a great gift, and if we're meant to be, our paths will cross again *sigh*.