I suspected his bedroom had a revolving door.
Tuesday, 01/13/09 - 1:47 pm.

I finished my last entry while talking to Angie, who asked me what was the definition Joseph had of love. I said, I really don't know. And she replied...

Let me tell you the story of a certain conversation that happened years ago, between Joseph and Fer [a mutual friend].

I'll spare you the details. Joseph cheated on me, repeatedly. He told everybody we had agreed to have an open relationship, so no one said anything. Some friends might have stood up for me, like Fer (saying I didn't deserve that), others might have played along. Anyway, the people Joseph surrounds himself with aren't exactly a role model for ethical behavior.

It helped me at night, knowing that. On some level I always suspected it and it was no surprise. I didn't cry at all, I barely felt hurt. He goes out at night without a girlfriend, his looks are rather interesting, he has a room available, he's not satisfied with the sex life he gets from his girlfriend...what kind of recipe is that? Yes, exactly. And when people asked me if I trusted him, I only said "I give him the benefit of the doubt". And when he'd ask me if I trusted him and I'd say yes, he'd reply "you shouldn't".

I was ok last night. For a while. Then I couldn't sleep and I took out his picture again and I started talking to it, hoping that magically he'd hear me and feel how destroyed I am. I wrote a short story. It took me two hours to fall asleep. I woke up, I went to the job interview, which turned out to be just orientation (and I do not like the job, but I'll take it anyway). And here I am right now, crying my eyes out.

Subject: P.S.: sorry.

I just wanted to say that I apologize for our sex life and I'm sorry about insisting for you to wear a condom. It wasn't just that I was scared of getting pregnant. I didn't know if you'd used one with the other people you were seeing while we were dating. And I was embarrassed to ask.

Good luck with everything, my little man.

Sending the e-mail above to him was all I could do to cope. He doesn't check his e-mail. He may even delete it as soon as he sees my name. I'm so scared. I have issues with being ignored.

I'm pretty sure he was in love with me. He went through a lot of trouble many times for me. He put up with some issues I had. He was my partner, my wingmate. Which is why I asked you what was his definition of love, Angie explained to me at the end of the conversation. He loved me, in his own way. A very twisted way. Angie told me to just look at his nickname, "madman"; to look at his dysfunctional family. His parents are lovely people, but they failed at raising their son, yes.

Still, I feel like a loser. I hate to think of all the girls that will crawl around him, thinking that I was stupid for not keeping him. I did the best I could. That's all I can say. It's the truth. I know it's not my fault only, that this relationship ended. But if I thought about his share of responsability...I'd be desperate to talk to him, and if I did reach him, I'd only get a "whatever, it's in the past".

I keep receiving words of encouragment from many people. It helps a lot. It's comforting. I suppose everybody thinks I dodged a bullet and that it took me long enough. I think so, briefly, but mostly I just miss him and I wish he still loved me and came back to me. Yeah, I know. He cheated on me, I don't know how that fits into my fantasy.

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