Take it with a grain of sadness.
Tuesday, 8/20/02 - 6:03 pm.

Las night, I chose to become sad. Maybe it was highly influenced by of my still unjustified madness, maybe it was because I'm expecting my period and I get moody around that time.

First, the nice thing...my dad bought me O, Yeah, Ultimate Hits. And it has bonus tracks, too. I wonder how come Aerosmith always shows up when I'm down *tear*.

I talked to Denv online for quite a long time last night and his coldness left me shedding one or two tears. That kind of crying that's...silent. You don't open your mouth, you just feels tears sliding down, and you can't help it letting them out.

Vic, as usual, noticed I was upset.
- You never tell me anything, you always say "I'll tell you later"...why are you sad?.
- Because I like to be sad
It might sound strange, but sometimes I do get tired of being happy, for several reasons, and I blame some of them on my past. Sometimes I need to be sad, to put things in perspective.

The nice thing is that Sophie understood me. I like to be sad sometimes, too.... I looked at her. We had a short conversation about it. It's always good to find someone who gets you.

Vic...well, when I'm sad he always asks what's wrong. Not exactly because he's waiting for a response, he just asks. We had the english period off (the teacher took the entire hour to check some shit) and I just covered my face with a notebook. I stared at the blank pages...on the desk behind me (or "next to" me, as I never sit properly) Vic was reading. I don't read books...I read people, I thought. It's always funny to watch people when they're so caught up in reading.

Then he just stopped reading, closed the book and stared at me. Well, at my eye. The rest of my face was covered with either the notebook or my hair. He said: You're the perfect girl for a rock video. I'm always embarrased to hear comments on my face. Betty, Vic, the obese girl, Sophie, Art and Cel...they always have something nice to say about my face, which is very embarrasing for me. You look like an european model. If I hadn't had this mixing of induced sadness and natural stoicism, I'd have bursted laughing.

When it was time to leave school, I was putting on my backpack and Vic remained on his seat. I shook his hand to say goodbye. When I started walking away, in less than one second, one of my voices stated: if he doesn't let go of your hand, be very afraid (I'm always amused how your brain can state ideas with long sentences in less than one second). Sure enough, he didn't let go. In fact, he pulled me to him. I gave him the finger. You know, just for kicks. But it was a weird thing.

I thank God for Vic having a girlfriend. And I hope they don't break up. Today Vic just looked at me and said: Aw, I love you. I could only answer me too. He said that "if I wasn't with her I'd be with you" line again. You know, one or two times is not that bad to hear that, but to hear it everyday...he might wind up believing it and he could make a disgrace. Next time I'm telling him I can't fornicate with my brother.

Hi, I love Denv. And I don't know if it's mutual. Today I was already resigned. I even got back to my old routine of sitting at the end of the hallway all by myself, just to see my peers from the distance. I did it only on the first recess. The second one I spent it with Cel and Sophie. Cel gave me a card and it has the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles logo on the back. I held it in my hand almost the entire recess.

Sporadically, he'd come up to me. Every sporadic approaching means a hug or hold hands. The first time he approached today, he snatched my TMNT card. But as he held it with one hand, with the other one he was holding my own.

The last recess could have been perfect. I was coming from the Video room, we're watching a movie in philosophy class. I was walking alone, on my way back to my lonely spot at the end of the hallway. Among all that crowd, I saw him. He was talking with friends and holding a girl so I decided to just walk by, He probably wouldn't even see me. So I was walked by, he turned his head to me (I pretended I hadn't noticed him) and left the girl and started walking behind me until he reached me and put his hands around my waist. There was a voice in my head that smiled with irony (c'mon, he's yours, what the fuck do you worry about?). I had a lollipop in my mouth and I gave it to him. We were walking alone down the hallway, on the opposite direction to everybody else. But then...

Norman and Claudia were coming in, coming our way. I got kind of mad...well, I got mad. If Denv ever turns out to be homosexual he'll try to get Norman. I mean...They have this mutual attraction and such (duh, they're best friends)...when I started falling in love with Denv, I thought that he was actually more interested in Norman that in myself. See, that's the problem of having the males of your class acting as homosexuals. And Claudia...Veronica says that Claudia wants Norman back but Norman is happy with the way things are right now. I don't know. But Claudia is always...doing stuff with ("to") Denv, just to make Norman jealous (as if it worked).

So things this way, he walked up to them. I chose to stay behind. Just once he separated from them, to hug me and try to bite me, but just that. I, on the other hand, was being talked to by Veronica and Roberto. Can't you see I'm trying to be with him?, I was thinking. Veronica...shit, shut up, go away. It's one of those scenes when the person in front of you is speaking in tongues and you don't know what she's talking about. I do recall she said something about...being achy. Duh, she's always achy. Somehing always hurt her, or she's sleepy, she'll greet you with I'm sleepy or my head hurts.

Fortunately, when it was dismissal, I was on my way to the parking lot (where my parental units pick Javier and yours truly up) and Roberto walked up to me, to tell me something. Meanwhile, Denv was coming out of his classroom and saw me. He opened his arms and hugged me...I bit him, because I do need him (quoth the voices: ok, that statement was really uncalled for), and he said: yeah, that's exactly what I wanted. Then I left.

At the end of the day, I realized when I'm with him I forget I'm sad. I don't know if that's good or bad.

(Frog almost got run over today. I got so scared I almost hit her. Isn't that a natural reaction? Someone gives you a terrible scare and although you're relieved when you learn the danger has passed (or it was a joke) you have to insult and hit the person for giving you a scare. Also, today I cried for Holly and Jessica. And for a dog used to test chemical shit. Everytime I read the newspaper, I'm reminded why I hate this world so much.)

I wish Denv...I don't know...saved me? Yesterday while I was talking to him online, I was thinking of Vic's behavior, I was talking to Rene online, too (who was asking me if I came back, would you go out with me?) and around that time, the guy called me. Sometimes I feel this need to tell Denv how much he means to me and how much I need him and that he is the only one.

It's like all the men I've wanted to have (or have had, at least for a short period of time), have always been just pieces of a puzzle. One was this way, the other one was that way...and Denv is just each and every piece. He's the entire puzzle. I'm just missing one piece. Just one.

Most likely, he's just my friend. Lately, 80% of the time, he shows no interest in me (but I must admit that the other 20% makes up for it).

I'm studying for tomorrow (my science exam), and I just found a message in my notebook that says: Unfaithful girl! I just saw Roberto!. It's definitely Denv's handwriting, refering to what happened that terrible day...I hadn't seen that message until now. Tomorrow I'm laughing at his face, because...I don't know. Because I love him.

Ok, bye.

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