Thursday, 01/15/09 - 8:57 pm.
Today's patient. I hadn't seen her in about a month and she's made progress on her own. When W asks me during our meeting about my countertransference (feelings I, as a therapist, may have about her or her situation) I'll have a lot to say. My patient sought help because she couldn't get over her ex-boyfriend, who had hurt her very much. A four-year-long relationship. Thanks a lot.
It was great seeing her free and relieved from all that weight. I could relate to her struggle, which could be dangerous as a therapist, but I handled it very well. Her situation is not mine. But it made me hopeful, on a personal level.
I was close to pass this day without tears, but I failed. Since last night, I've had strange moments of peace. Hurting non-stop and yet peaceful. I went to bed very late this morning, writing him a note, hoping I'd get to read it to him when he gives me the chance to. He hasn't come online to ask him.
My old friend Cel got in touch with me today, after months of being lost. She's like that, she comes and goes. Still, she's very dear to me. She left me a note and asked me to write her to tell her how I was doing. I told her Joseph and I broke up and I couldn't help mentioning that I knew she slept with him, while I was saying I'd found out he had slept around while dating me. She did it when Joseph was only interested in me, he was single, so it doesn't count as cheating. But she saw he was about to hook up with me so I guess she wanted a taste before he became legally unavailable. She was with someone at a time. I wasn't mad when I learned that they were together and I'm not mad at her; it wasn't cheating. But in this state of mind, it only adds up: like, "great, another girl he slept with while I was already in the picture".
She wrote back, saying she was sorry about that, and about finding out that he and I weren't together anymore, she thought we'd be together our whole life. She said, about him cheating on me, that she has been that guy that cheats on his partners and has come to regret all the pain caused, and so will he. That I have to focus on my life, even though I will feel dry and empty; she felt like that for a long time after ending things with a very important boyfriend, and she isolated herself from everyone she loved. She said she'd heard about him wanting to move to Guatemala. That I don't have to talk to him, not look into those things anymore, and some day, the day I least expect it, I'll have the chance to present my case to him, some day when I'm happy, because that's how he has to see me.
I'm getting discouraged about talking to him. It's not looking good. I cried when I replied to her message, explaining her with more detail all this shit I'm going through. You know? Sometimes I still think it's a break, and I feel stupid for making all this drama over nothing. Then again, I have no proof that we're still on a break. He was quiet, slightly hostile, distant. Now he's nothing. I have a strong feeling he moved out already. Maybe...maybe it's for the best, right? Maybe it's better that way.
So I guess I'm supposed to just swallow everything. I'll come to terms, like my patient did. It's a natural process, I suppose. Since last night, I have minutes when I feel at peace. I don't get a moment in which I'm not in pain; I'm always in pain, but now I'm not always anxious, with a knot in my stomach and a slash in heart. I've had trouble breathing, though, I don't know how to explain it. It's like I get air stuck in my stomach, I breath shallowly. I breath deeply and it hurts. I tell myself, maybe it's for the best.
So that's it, huh? He's gone and I didn't get to say anything. Not an opinion, not a goodbye. After four years and a half, man. I feel worthless. Plainly worthless.