Friday, 01/16/09 - 6:28 pm.
I know this is long. But I keep it here for memory's sake. Long story short: we discussed our break-up for the first time.
- Me: Hey, man, do you have five minutes to spare next week?
- Him: I think so, why?
- Me: I just wanted to see you. And tell you something. And just that.
- Him: Hmmm, ok. Just don't scold me.
- Me: No, it's nothing like that.
- Him: I've received too many scoldings these days. Horrible.
- Me: I don't have a reason to.
[silly talk about display pictures]
- Him: I don't have a computer. It died.
- Me: Such a useful gift I gave you for christmas [a keyboard and a USB memory]. I thought I'd finally nailed it.
- Him: lol. Whatever.
- Me: Why is everyone scolding you?
- Him: XD 'cause I'm insane.
- Me: They just noticed that? You might be insane but they're out of touch with reality.
- Him: XD
- Me: If you don't have a computer...are you writing from a typing machine?
- Him: It's Carmen's.
- Me: Oh. She's the one you think you like? [his nickname read "I think I like her"].
- Him: Yep.
- Me: She's lucky.
- Him: =/
- Him: I don't know what to tell you.
- Me: Say yes.
- Me: "Yes, she is".
- Him: =/ It's not that, it's a lot of things I want to say but I don't have the courage to say.
- Me: But if you love her, it'll be easier to tell her than you think.
- Me: No, I can't talk about it. I owe you more respect than talking to you on this vain thing [MSN].
[Moment of silence]
- Him: Ok, don't answer, no problem with me.
- Me: No. No, I'm right here. It's not that I don't know. I got the message. I have for a while.
- Him: I'm sorry for being unethical by not telling you once and for all. But I never liked giving you a blow.
- Me: You'd planned this when you told me we were taking a break? Because that was cruel. I know I failed you. I would've understood. I know it's my fault. Don't take it as a scolding but there hasn't been a day since october 18th that I haven't cried for you. And if you can do me the favor of telling it to my face, so I won't be hopeful about something that's not going to happen I'd be really thankful. But yeah...not on this thing, please.
- Him: Ok, I will. Ok, ok. I will.
- Me: And any day except monday [my 24th birthday].
- Him: Ok. I have cried a lot, too, but I found out it doesn't work.
- Me: I don't do it because it works, I just can't help it.
- Him: Me too, I think.
- Me: It happens, man. But I wondered if I had done something so bad for you to walk away from my life like that.
- Him: It's a sequence of a thousand little things.
- Me: Can I have more than the 5 minutes I initially asked for?
- Him: Yes. But those will be minutes that I don't think you'll like very much. It's a long story that goes back 7 years. And a huuuuuge secret I had.
- Me: I need it. I need to hear it from you.
- Him: I'm warning you it won't be pleasant.
- Me: I know it won't be. I know about you a little more than you think. But I need this. To let you go, so you can be happy, and me too. Even if it's you and me apart.
- Him: Thank you. I needed to read that.
- Me: I don't want to lose you. And having you as a friend will be a privilege, too.
- Him: [He sends a youtube link to the song "please take this photos from my hands"]. I will be. But I have to respect her, it hurts me when she's with her ex. And obviously it's the same about how much my mom loves you.
- Me: No, I'm not going to stand in your way. I would if you wouldn't be clear with me.
- Him: I know you won't. When I take a decision, I carry it 'til the end.
- Me: I mean, because I'd always be asking you this or that. I don't want to keep any questions to myself.
- Him: You deserve that. Saying everything. And I will.
- Me: Would she get mad if she saw me with you?
- Him: Honestly, yes.
- Me: I'm not going to do anything. I mean, I understand her.
- Him: I know.
- Me: But I swear to you, I'm not going to do anything.
- Him: Yes, I know.
- Me: Did she know you were with me?
- Me: Yep.
I was having this much needed conversation, and then my internet crashed. Oh, I was going nuts. I'd spent the whole night pondering whether to talk to him or just let him go. He came online when I least expected it and so this begun. I waited and waited, the internet never came back. I couldn't sleep until 3 am, and I woke up at 6 feeling THE WORST I HAD EVER FELT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I cried for two hours straight.
So this morning I went to his house, to set up a date to talk and ask him to do it in his house because I'd break down. It was his dad's birthday and his brother opened the door when I knocked (I had his key in my pocket, to return it to him). He asked me to come in, I refused. His parents greeted me, called me daughter several times and his mom ranted on and on and as much as I appreciate that she misses me, I wanted her to shut up. So did you go to the movies with him?, she asked. I saw him getting all dolled up [a few days ago] and he said he was going to the movies with you. Later I found out Joseph hasn't told his family about his new girlfriend. No wonder her mom was so calm.
He finally showed up; he took long because he was taking a bath. We were in the street, outside his house. We were standing there for a good while. I don't remember the exact order, but here it goes: she was his first love and viceversa, but they were each other's secret (yes, that's the huge secret). They never spoke about each other to other people. She showed up one day, he took her in, and it just "happened". They weren't planning on liking each other so much, but they hooked up on november 24th, at his brother's wedding on the beach. Us, on the other hand, had become too much like friends. We never went out... he started saying, but here I raised my voice for the one and only time and said I knew all the things we didn't do that couples do and that everyone that came after be would be automatically better than me.
He seemed calm and very honest, rather concerned about me. He explained that this wasn't his house anymore and he...he had a lot of things to tell me but didn't want to. He said we DID ended our relationship on october 18th, and it was better that way, speaking about "time" instead of giving me one single blow. I said yes, it's better tying every one of my limbs to a horse and make them walk in the opposite direction until I'm dismembered than giving me one single blow. I don't remember his answer.
I was about to break down and he noticed, so he told me to come back at 2 pm. Good, because I didn't want to wait anymore. Carmen was in the house as were speaking but she was going out at 1 pm. I said ok. I had a long noon at home, crying, on the verge of throwing up. I came online and found a message from him, after I'd disconnected last night (or early that morning): I'll see you soon *my name*, I promise.
I arrived to his house. I cried on the way there. His brother opened the door for me and I went to his room, a little scared that she was there. But it was just him, and he let me in and removed clothes that were on his couch. The place was a mess, lots of clothes everywhere. Some belonged to a female.
I cried a lot. He was calm but as empathetic as ever, unlike I feared. I think he still has some feelings for me, but they're just...I don't know, feelings of fondness. Love, no. He thought I'd understood that he was breaking up with me. I suppose I should have gotten it, but look at me, I'm a geek! I don't know any of those relationship codes!!!. Since he thought I understood, he's four months ahead of me in the grieving. He realized that I hadn't gotten it just a few days ago, because of a comment I made. And he just said, fuck.
I apologized several times, for everything. For failing him, for not taking care of him, for not being good enough for him. I know a relationship consists of two, and I'm not about to bring myself down with blame, but the burden of the responsability of us drifting apart is on my shoulders. He said we were just different universes, and perhaps our mistake was letting our relationship going too long. We should've ended it sooner. And he also said that I was too much for him; I was superior.
I suppose I can't register here everything we said. But it was therapeutic and we even cracked jokes. Like when I was sobbing and he said he felt miserable too and we high-five'd; or like when he had to do something upstairs and he said he couldn't leave me and I assured him I wasn't going to burn down his bedroom; hey, I didn't bring any flammable material, ok? - of course you didn't, you KNOW I have some in my drawer! (and he took out a huge lighter and an axe from the drawer...what the hell, man?!). Such a wonder, to be laughing and crying at the same time.
I asked him for the truth to plant my feet in reality. The truth sucks but his attitude toward me is soothing. And we are friends. I cried and cried, calmed down and cried more. Talked about stuff. Said everything I've said in here this month. There were no complaints or scoldings from either party. However, I was ashamed when he made a reference to X person and realized...four years and you didn't meet him.... It wasn't with a bad intention; I thought the same thing. I never met his friends.
I asked him if I could stay longer to keep crying (he let me do it freely, as I can't do it at home), but he said Carmen was coming soon. It's not that she'd throw me out, but she'd come in, greet you and hug me.... Perhaps to rub it in, whatever. For a second I thought I could handle it, because I did want to stay longer, but it was best not to make everything uncomfortable for them. And for me.
He assured me there was never anyone else between us while we dated. Ok...I believe him. Entirely; I saw him today at his best, and in general, he was at his best with me. About Carmen, he feels strongly responsible for her, although he says she doesn't love him; still, if he gets to move to Guatemala, they're going together (I hope not! He has plans of studying here if he can't move out). His nickname right now says "I'm worse now, I'm so hung up, God!" but...I don't feel that bad anymore. And I don't need to check his profile and see those kind of messages to do my reality check. I guess I have to grow up and understand. To let go. And take care of myself and go out more. People tell me to go on a trip.
Perhaps I'll see him for his birthday. I asked him if she'd be ok with it, or she's the type of girlfriend that asks her guy to cut all communication with his ex. He said she isn't, and even if she was, he wouldn't do it. We [us] have a history. I said his history with her was stronger and I couldn't compete with that. She's his first love. They fell in love when they were teenagers. That's when he said he felt responsible for her. He asked me if he could get me a present for my birthday or come over. I said that'd be too sweet...so, no. He agreed.
About me...he says I'll be so strong once I get over this. I'm a strong person, he says, I just choose to be weak. I have a lot of charisma and I'm the reason the partying isn't appealing to him anymore. Oh, he's giving up smoking and drinking by the way. He still loves me...in a certain way. It's just that the weight of reality crushed our relationship; his and my perspectives, lifestyles, plans for the future. He didn't turn his back on me like I thought. Stupid relationship-ending protocols.
So here I am now. Suffering from an inmense abstinence syndrome, and yet in peace. I guess I should catch up on these four months of grieving and not cry anymore. I mean, a tear or two is fine, but no more to the point of throwing up. I miss him to death, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him.
- Me: you know what's the worse of all this?
- Me: I haven't eaten properly and I haven't lost a fucking pound!
He said he loved that I keep my sense of humour.