Sunday, 01/18/09 - 5:56 pm.
It's a White Stripes songs, the title of this entry. It begins with "I blew it". Thank you, I know. I'm listening to their entire discography. I could use some new music...new to my ears, anyway. A fresh sound.
I fell asleep last night, as usual. But I woke up freezing. It was cold, but I was sleeping under the thickest blanket of the house. I was cold inside, not on my skin. My stomach hurt, I was shaking, like my guts were pure ice. I was thinking of Joseph leaving this country with his girlfriend. I cried for three hours, then fell asleep for an hour and a half and then I woke up to vote.
Since 3 am, when I woke up, I was thinking of seeing him again to pour out some more of my pain. Once again, I wrote a little note with a few things I wanted to tell him. Beggining with my realization of how crappy this year is turning out to be, when at the end of last year it seemed very bright. Then a few words on him finding the love of his life while I lost mine, on him appreciating me but not being in love with me anymore, etc.
My birthday is tomorrow and is going to be the worst ever. I thought of going to his house and give him a piece of my cake, while asking him for another chance to talk. Then I just decided, by noon, I could ask him online, tell him the lines I wrote and end up with the question: can I bring you some cake?
He was very nice, but said that if I went to his house I'd cause him a lot of trouble. I told him to then forget it, and he offered to come to my house. I said no, because you know how I'd feel about it...I'm so in love with that guy. From then on, a conversation ensued about how hard this was on me. I talked about him being in love with someone else and getting married, and leaving, and he told me I should do stuff and I said I do stuff. He was patient. To an extent. I admit I was getting him annoyed.
Eventually he said: you need me to get back with you but that can't happen. I should've said "yet", but I said "I know that and I accept it. Ok, I don't accept it, but I understand it". So he's leaving next week to do all the legal paperwork it takes for him to move to Guatemala (with his girlfriend...I have to say that even if it rips my heart apart; reality is a poweful tool). He doesn't know when he's moving out, though. He isn't speaking to his father, but his mom is happy that he's leaving and she knows she's going with him, though she doesn't know she's his girlfriend.
I was desperate when I was talking to him and I admit I must've sounded a tad pathetic. I don't regret it. That's how I feel, desperate. But I recognize it's not fair to him that I literally hang onto his ankles like that, he who's trying to move on with his life. He said he decided to break up with me the day before my graduation.
I don't know if he will come tomorrow. I told him not to, because yes, I'd like for us to get back together but he doesn't love me anymore, not like I would like him to. I told him he had made a comment the first time we met after our break...up (exactly three months ago today), about how he appreciated something I'd said and that's why he could never leave me; I continued saying that I thought this "break" was a test, like when he broke up with me the first time and got himself a rebound girl, and in the end that made us have a solid relationship.
And right now...I'm thinking of simply giving up. I can't just go on Operation Pucca and chase him my whole life when he doesn't want me around. He's leaving and maybe...maybe that'll help me more in the long term, because then I'll know he's not a mile or two away from my house and thus I won't feel like driving over there and profess my geeky but everlasting love for him. He said it himself, when he takes a decision, he doesn't step back. And I shouldn't be so selfish, I have to respect him. If I try too hard, I might also lose him as a friend.
I hope he comes tomorrow. So I can tell him this. He won. It's unbereable, Joseph. I give up on trying. I give up hope even if it devastates me. I don't know who will be the lucky girl to grow old with him, but I-must-come-to-terms with the fact that it's not me*.
Well, everybody's reaction is changing you
But their love is only a fraction of what I can give to you
Well, let's do it, let's get on a plane and just do it
Like the birds and the bees and get to it
Just get out of town and forever be free
Forever, I wonder we could stay together
It could change if you want for the better
Just tug at my shirt and lay down next to me.
* Would it be too delusional if I said "for now"?
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