Tuesday, 01/ 20/09 - 12:33 pm.

The night before my birthday, I said I gave up hope on Joseph. I felt a bit more peaceful. I controlled my thoughts in bed, but I still couldn't sleep. After an hour, I grabbed a book. As soon as I started reading, I broke down. It hurt thinking of him with someone else. Long story short, I only slept two hours and a half. I replayed over and over things I hoped to tell him the next day. And I'm amazed by my endless tears.

I woke up, and it was my birthday. A cold, cloudy day, that was supposed to be the most depressing day in History. The only thing that had me looking forward to this day was seeing him. After saying that he shouldn't come over, I asked him to do it. So I was eager to tell him stuff, and I was thinking we could go for a walk and talk privately in a park...at least it was more private than in my house.

My parents forgot to congratulate me. I didn't mind, because they'd already given me a huge cushion a couple of days ago. My siblings called or sent me e-cards, a few friends did the latter also. Not a lot of people knew (or remembered) it was my birthday. I went to the university to do some paperwork for the scholarship I'm applying to. After lunch, I played piano with shaky hands, waiting for him.

He came. He brought his best friend of years, who shall be called CR. I was dissapointed, "there goes my chance of pouring my heart out to him". I hadn't even asked them to come in when Joseph and CR started talking about Watchmen, the comic, ignoring me completely and I thought it was rude. But they came in.

CR was amazed by the family library and went to admire it, while Joseph said "happy birthday". Thanks, I replied, it isn't. They went on and on about Watchmen, and I was just feeling miserable. I offered cold water and cake. For the first time ever Joseph accepted; whenever he came, he'd refuse to even have a sip of water. At some point, while CR was talking, Joseph asked what was wrong with me, and I said, nothing, I'm paying attention.

At some point, he got preachy. Supposedly this comic is the best ever and both had engaged in profound reflections. I don't even remember what he said but it was definitely an indirect blow to my pity party. Also, CR asked me if I knew about X type of people, and I said yeah, my patient. CR is very gentleman-like and asked if I cared to share. I said I couldn't, due to confidentiality issues. Joseph said it didn't matter, because they didn't care about my patient and they'd probably forget about him in five minutes. Ouch, ok.

Eventually I made my way into the conversation, and my mood improved. It's a good thing, because Joseph talked about Carmen, his girlfriend, and at least I was able to fake it didn't bother me. He said that she likes to go out and that's how he knows the current "in" places (she's 21, he's almost 28 and, I suppose thanks to me, he was out of touch with the party escene); that he now wakes up at 7:30 am because she goes to work at 8 and that picks her up; that he wants to get a job and a car. It hurt. It hurt so much.

Still, three hours went by quickly. Joseph asked what plans I had for tonight, and I lied saying I was going to the movies. I asked him if he knew of places to reccommend and he replied that Carmen knew and I should ask her. Right. But then he mentioned a few. I asked CR if he'd like to keep me company. He said he'd love to, however, he is old (in his 30s?) and aside from being out of touch with the places, he now enjoyed quieter things. But he'd love to and seemed happy and honored that I'd invited him. Joseph said CR was the best person I could ask to tag along. So we settled it, he'd come to my house at 7.

Then they left. I wondered if I should ask him for a birthday hug, but decided against it. I suppose he had planned to bring CR along to shield himself and reestablish the connection I once had with CR (I knew him but I hadn't seen him years). I don't know why, when I was talking about going out, I had to say to Joseph that maybe one day he and Carmen could come along. He chuckled and said that'd be funny.

So I had dinner with my family. I got a card and a touching video about Frog that nephew #2 made for me. CR called and said if I could meet him up at some mall and from then on see where to go. I burned a White Stripes CD, since my MP3 player had an epic fail in december, and I'm getting into them.

I picked him up there. He'd gotten me a present and apologized for the small detail. I thought it was sweet. He said he didn't celebrate his birthday since he was 7, his parents never cared. Turns out his birthday was two days ago. I drove to a nice place to have coffee.

Like I said, he's a real gentlemen and it's a pleasure talking to him, although sometimes he goes on tangents. He knows a lot about different stuff and likes psychology. We talked about Joseph. Most of the evening was about what had happened. He made me feel good, told me to enjoy life, this was nobody's fault, and one never knows what the future holds. That, without putting down feminism or anything, I, as a "damisel", must not try to chase my knight but focus on building my castle, where he'll come to get me.

I told him about Carmen; it seems that now that I have come to terms with the idea he's not in love with me anymore (CR says he is, but it's not the moment; I think that's friendly bullshit), I still can't digest the idea of him being with somebody else, someone who is, by far, better than me. Someone who's making him want things I always wanted him to pursue and is better at making him happy. CR said, "look...just stay true to yourself".

I told myself not to get discouraged by this idea of him doing things he never did with me, because my case is the same. There was a part of me that refused to go out because I'd feel terrible: "I'm doing something that I could've done with him". Regret, how I hate it.

Anyway. CR is great and we'd never had the chance to talk. Joseph and I used to plan on meeting, I always meant to...like I meant to do a lot of things with Joseph. Regret, again.

Moving on...we had our coffee. He asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, since the place was closing. He wanted me to meet a friend, who happened to own the Watchmen comic and was going to lend it to me. We drove to a town nearby. It was cool. 9 o'clock, driving around with an intellectual friend, going from place to place. We stayed at a diner and I ordered ice cream, he ordered a burger. The friend arrived. He was really, really nice, but was upset because the alcohol ban, due to the elections two days ago, was still on.

I was invited to go play Nintendo Wii to a third friend's house, but I passed. It was only 10 o'clock, but I wanted to get brownie points for the next one. It was my first night out with friends and it was awesome; perhaps we can go out this weekend again. I suppose all this is thanks to Joseph, in a way. I'm glad I told him to come over, even though it hurt me that he was slightly mean and distant with me (I guess to emphaphize I'm not gonna be getting any love from him).

I drove home by myself, listening to music. I love driving at night; it's a little dangerous, but it's really neat. I came home feeling happy, aside from the shadow of Joseph. CR gave me a plush toy, a little devil holding a black heart, it fits in my hands like a pokeball. I hung around until midnight, and I went to bed, after reading a bit of Watchmen. It's really cool, indeed.

I didn't have much trouble sleeping. But I dreamed of Joseph and his girlfriend. I don't remember the images, but I know I saw them living their life together...I recall thinking she looked like Brother #2's wife. I woke up, and it was 5 am. At least I slept more this time. And I didn't cry. I was really sad and hurtful, but I didn't cry. I thought of the words CR told me, everything we talked about Joseph. I wish he got back together with me, but like I said, I have to respect him...and her. Although if I never, ever have to see her face, that's fine by me. I'm starting to feel panic just by thinking of running into both of them one day.

In fact, and I was going to tell Joseph this, I think of them often. I imagine them holding hands and making love, only because I have to accept that's the reality. I cry when I think of this, I cry when I imagine her kissing or hugging him, or them having funny conversations, or him putting his arm around her when they're out with friends (because of her age, he hangs out with 20-year-olds and the like, and he said he feels old because his endurance at partying is not the same). I'm keeping track of their anniversary. 2 months next week, and I freak out because, I say, that sounds like they're serious. They live together, for God's sake. Lucky them.

Aside from the pain of losing him and him having a girlfriend, I woke up today feeling saner. I had a strange stomachache, like cramps, and I don't know if it was the dream or the coffee. I replied to birthday messages, I wrote a professor asking her for a letter of reference, got a knot in my throat watching the ceremony for the new president of the United States. And I went to drop off my resume to some place.

Today I was supposed to have my second orientation at the job I thought I needed but hated. Actually, I called yesterday to cancel...nevermind the risk, it's not my thing; it's not worth it. And this morning my sister tells me there's a job in some center for people with disabilities. It's a few blocks away from my house and my sister said we should go right now to drop it off, and I could say I was recommended by her boss (who is also her boyfriend, but she keeps that a secret). It's a small place and it's not really about psychology, I'd be assistant to the director, but I'm hopeful. I like organizing things and -unlike my old self- talking to people. We'll see.

So anyway, my 24th birthday rocked, in a very unexpected way. I'm glad Joseph didn't give me the chance to talk to him, because honestly everything was about how miserable I was without him. And I am, I am miserable because of that; I am sad, look me in the eye when I say this, WHOLEHEARTEDLY SAD that he's not with me. I love him, I miss him, I wish he was with me. I can't be like CR, having Joseph as a friend is not enough to me and I'd rather have him as something more than that. However, he IS a good friend, and after all, I'm lucky he stuck around and put up with me; other boyfriends would just flush you down the toilet. I'll have to deal with my feelings in silence. There is no one like him in the whole world, I swear to God.

In the rest of aspects of my life, things are looking up. I'm doing stuff. I'm building my castle, for me. But I just can't help waiting.

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