Possible jobs and seeing his girlfriend's face.
Wednesday, 01/21/09 - 6:27 pm.

Last night I got a call for a job interview this morning. It's for a gym for babies and toddlers. I'd submitted my resume months ago and didn't think I'd hear back. Of course, yesterday also, I'd taken my resume to some other place, that I was kinda pleased with. Now I have two possible jobs, when two days ago I was complaining I had none.

I went this morning, but I'll save the description of my thoughts for later. I got lost but luckily I always leave home early, and I found the place five minutes before my appointment. As soon as I walked in, my ears exploded with the howling of a dozen toddlers, the type that hate being dropped off. I even thought of walking out, all that screaming was deafening.

I stayed, though. I saw some of the activities for the kids and I liked it, and then I was asked a few questions. I like children, they just have never been my area of choice. But I realized you get to be silly and fun, and your job is basically to play (ok, it's much more serious than that, since you're dealing with the development of a child, but you get the point). However, it's part time, three times a week. The pay is good enough for the time and I can have bonuses, but I'm still hoping I'll get a call from the other place. I had already pictured myself walking to work everyday.

My thoughts, yes. All my way there, I thought about Joseph. And you know what? Now I can't think about him without thinking about his girlfriend! Last night I was reading the Watchmen comic and there's a part where one of the characters and his girlfriend break up and he inmediately hooks up with a much younger gal. Oh, how I cried. I had to look away so I wouldn't ruin the comic.

Also, I dreamed of them last night; I only remember I saw her back and she had short hair and I was hoping Joseph loved long hair and would dump her and get back with me. Yeah, haha. Whatever. And generally, I just drive myself nuts, because the images of them holding hands, making love, hugging, laughing together are quite invasive. And then, I insist on having them because...because...I deserve the pain for failing him? Because I need higher doses of reality? Because I have to make myself stop being in love with him? I do not know.

And so while I was driving to the interview, I was fearing I'd see them on the street, because Joseph and I live like three minutes away by car from each other and my route was near his house. I feared, you know, seeing him walking her to work. Seeing her for the first time. Like I said yesterday, if I never have to see her face, that's just fine by me.

When I went online, he was on and didn't speak to me. I had nothing to tell him either (aside from the usual "please, please, please, fall in love with me again!" that's best kept to myself). But before going offline, I had a hunch...it won't be long until he puts up a picture of him and her as his display picture. And I just HAD to check, right? I clicked on "send an instant message" to open a window. And what do you know, there they were...I saw her face. She's smiling and he's behind her, resting his head on her shoulder; clearly, he is shirtless.

My first reaction, I can't describe it. Joseph...you're dating THAT?!. She didn't strike me as attractive. At all. And I had a funny self-esteem lift. But hey, I told myself, love is blind. When I heard the name Carmen, I didn't think Carmen, my high school friend, the dyke; I thought Carmen Electra. Not equally hot (although I don't find her that hot), but the name sounded like it belonged to someone with a sophisticated look.

I know, I know. I said I'd respect her because she's Joseph's girlfriend, after all. I just disrespected her already and no more. I took a closer look and thought maybe the photo wasn't that flattering...Joseph didn't look that good either, and he's rather handsome. She seemed nice. And regardless of looks, they're in love. Who's the loser now?

Seeing the photo crushed me. I didn't cry...I just got some kind of dry uneasiness, nervousness, anguish, and I locked myself in my bedroom and walked back and forth for maybe 15 minutes, pacing the floor like Fred Flintstone waiting for Wilma to give birth.

My world crumbles down a little more everyday, when I get more and more convinced that he's not coming back. I have a hard time saying to myself that he's not in love with me anymore, but seriously, he's made quite a few hurtful comments and...I don't know. I am sure, I just know. And we can't be friends, either. What would we talk about? I always feel like telling him that I'm doing new things everyday, but it'd sound like I'm trying to convince him that I'm changing for the better. And I am, yes, but it'd be pathetic. All my talk would be aimed to impress him, and I do not have that power anymore.

He just doesn't care about me anymore. Not only like I want him to, he doesn't care at all. He has someone else to look after. I can't help feeling replaced. I can't help feeling dead inside. I can't help hoping that he'll realize she's not what he wants and that I am the deal of his life and will come back to me. Perhaps I've watched too many romantic movies. Sometimes someone, the so-called love of your life, breaks up with you and it's for good. And then he moves to another country, just in case you had any hope left.

I'm acting out the pain. Finding people to go out with, making appointments with friends; I try not to stay in the same place for too long and I walk, walk, walk and rub my hands. I have a full schedule until sunday (I'll spend the weekend at a lake house). On friday night I'm going out with CR again. He's wise and helps me sort things out...he's Joseph's best friend and I like hearing from him that you never know what'll happen in the future. Even though I know he's just being nice. CR knows Joseph very well, and perhaps I secretly wish he'll run to Joseph and tell him how I'm doing and how much I love him and will convince him to stay with me. But CR and Joseph rarely see each other.

I saw Yes man yesterday with a friend...many situations hit too close, and they only emphasized why Joseph left me, and why, even if I'm saying yes to life now, he won't come back.

prev / next