Friday, 01/23/09 - 11:46 pm.
I just came home from hanging out with CR and another guy, who shall be called Al. He's the owner of the Watchmen comic and was pleased to know that I'm enjoying it. He's a nice eye candy. That's all I want from boys now; something to look at. Yeah, yeah, and a good talk, but I don't know him very well so I wasn't going to pour my broken heart out.
CR and I spent about three hours at this place I saw advertised on Facebook (lol at my source). It was pretty nice. I had a drink, my first serious drink ever, and french fries.
I, on the other hand, was not feeling nice. At all. Today Joseph gave use to his Facebook account; he never cared for that, but now he's uploaded pictures of him with her. They're drinking, with friends, kissing...I was devastated. I love how he looks in the kissing picture, but it's really painful to know that's not me. He looks like he's having a great time. I don't know how to explain this...I understand, I KNOW he's not in love with me anymore, he's over me...but I still don't believe it. I know, and yet I don't believe.
My friends Angie and Cel wrote to me saying that his girlfriend looked cheap, especially in the picture where you can see half of her breast. I suppose I should play along with the let's hate her game, but I can't. He loves her. She's not bad looking. But what does he see in her, you're wondering, CR told me when I told him I'd seen her. Yes. Yes, I do. But clearly, he gets from her what I couldn't give him. Like I've said, it seems I never had a chance against her. You can't stand in the way of two magnets. Joseph said that we were opposites and opposites attract, but they don't necessarily work out together.
CR tries to give me a positive outlook on my life from now on, so I won't feel guilty and regretful; he's very wise and full of experience. But I can't help it. I did all I could but that wasn't enough for him. I don't mean he's a bad person, he just had expectations about me that I couldn't meet. Sometimes I wonder if Joseph has any idea of how painful this is for me. CR says I should act indifferent. Basically, just let it be. He says he could see Joseph running away in his tuxedo on our wedding day, if he hadn't been honest when he had to. He says that, maybe, on the long run, he's doing me a favor. And it's best to have him as a friend, he's a great friend. That his happiness comes from my sacrifice. That at least I got to date someone as peculiar as him. This last idea just brings me to tears.
I can think of a million reasons why he wanted out of this relationship, none of them matter now. I'm convinced he's not coming back to me. I can't feel happy for him. He leaves tomorrow or the day after, for Guatemala, and will stay there for a week, to start doing all the paperwork to move in there. He, along with her. Nothing will stop him.
It was painful listening to CR telling me about the day he arrived to Joseph's house and found this girl living there. He thought things were well between he and I. I could forgive Joseph if he had done something wrong to end this relationship. But it ended because of me, and I cannot forgive myself.
Sorry I'm rambling. It must be the amaretto I had. It was strong, but now I understand how this thing of drinking works.
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