Living with a dead nerve and a sense of loss.
Monday, 01/26/09 - 7:28 pm.

I'm physically sick. I decided to go to the movies this afternoon, with my nephew, since we both were bored out of our minds. We went to see Marley & Me, which had me in tears at the reminded me a lot about Frog. How I miss that sucker.

But I'm sick because of the pop corn, no more. He wanted butter and I hate that butter. It was a nice way to spend the afternoon, anyway, ten bucks well spent. What do we say? "This beats being at home feeling sorry for myself". Yes. Oh, and I saw a Watchmen poster.

My nephew and I were walking out of the movie theater when I received a phone call. It was CR, calling from Al's phone. For no reason, I concluded. Just wanted to say hi. I thought that was nice, but I got a little worried because we've been going out once a week and texting and you know how easy it is to start feeling funny over someone you see often. I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about him. My "feeling funny" nerve is dead, and it'll be long until I grow a new one.

I just feel I've been clinging onto him since my birthday, when Joseph brought him, perhaps to avoid awkwardness between the two of us (awfully smart of him). I don't want him to be a crouch of mine, I just don't have a lot of people to go out with...and I guess I'm hanging onto him since he's the closest thing to Joseph I currently have. I genuinely have a great time with him, though, he's a smart guy and we have cool conversations. What calms me is that he says he prefers having people as friends than as romantic partners. So he'll probably be ok. It's nice having a friend.

Last night's incident with possibly-Joseph's-girlfriend, well, I laughed it out. I giggled all night, but I'm still really worried about her reaction...if she'll tell him I spoke to him online, and what she'll say I said. I realize it's in her hands whatever fine thread keeps me in touch with him. I'm about to wish it was him indeed who told me to go eat shit. But I maintain he isn't that much of a jackass.

I still wake up too early, with a stomachache and him in my mind. Last night I dreamed that we were going to the movies with another friend, and I went into my bedroom to change and suddenly he knocked on my door, saying my parents were calling me. I opened and he stuck his head in and told me to get closer, much closer and we kissed. I think it was me who kissed him, in the same fashion as our first kiss.

It hurts. It hurts so much. Losing him, losing four years and a half. It's like after graduation I went into a coma and when I woke up, four months later, he had a brand new life in which I didn't fit in. My feelings for him were growing stronger, but his feelings for me were gone. Gone, gone, gone. That's the hardest part. He had arguments to leave me; the way you think affects the way you feel, right?

I've signed up to go to a psych congress in Guatemala in june. My brother #3, who'll be attending too but won't be able to hang out with me, asked me if I had someone to come along, to split expenses and be safer. I haven't replied to his e-mail, but the answers is no. I always thought Joseph would be my companion on this trip, but now I'm on my own. I always thought of the future with him, not of the present. CR says that may have scared him away; too many plans, too little fun.

My patient, the one struggling to get over her 4-year-relationship, said she has stopped feeling a lot of pain, but she can't shake the sense of loss. I couldn't have said it better. The pain has definitely diminished, from those nights in which I only slept two hours. I can't shake the sense of loss. At least she's doing a better job at that than I am.

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