The bigger picture is equally grim.
Tuesday, 01/27/09 - 9:06 pm.

I have to call a nice lady tomorrow, to turn down a job, the one at the babies' gym. I'm a little ashamed to do that, because she's been really considerate, but whatever. I hope she won't get mad, she's really nice.

I've had a terrible day. All day with a heavy weight in my heart, and it always begins at 5 am when I wake up and can't go back to sleep. This time I dreamed Joseph and I were riding on the back of a van and when I leaned in to kiss him, he turned his face and I kissed his cheek. It's no big deal and that's not the reason why I woke up. But I still had to mention it.

Now I see the bigger picture: I spent several days focusing on my mistakes, less days focusing on what he did to me (saying we were on a break while he's living with someone else and bringing her up in conversations like I was some casual friend), and in general, on how I'm in love with him. I guess today was the first day I was able to integrate all aspects of the issue, and I couldn't shake the sorrow until it was time to see my patient, at 7 pm.

I wonder if it's possible to just stop being in love with someone like that. I suppose it's a gradual thing, and suddenly you have the insight: "ooooh, I'm not in love anymore". And I tend to forget he's had 4 months to get over me, plus the valuable help of the girl that moved in with him shortly after, or even before, we broke up. And I say, "yes, yes, it's possible; look at yourself...would you get back together with 1, that old boyfriend of yours?". No. I would never. But I was never in love with him.

I can't conceive that he won't come back. I can't believe I'll spend the rest of my life not talking to him more than once or twice a year, if I get that lucky. I am aware there were a few things that got on my nerves about him, but I loved him in spite of them. Same thing he could say about me. Except he eventually got fed up.

Today I was brave enough to read some of my entries from 2008. The first three months weren't very good for us. He'd spend his life locked up, watching TV and playing online games. We had a few arguments and I was upset; I was making plans for "our" future and he was stuck in the same place. And yet, I still said I loved him, and I did. I swear I did. I swear I never wanted to lose him, much less like this. And not even change him...we both wanted each other to change and I think our demands weren't out of this world: he wanted me to be less dependent on my parents and more free, and I wanted him to get a job. So simple. We weren't such grown-ups, were we?

Looking at these difficulties, I don't see what could possibly keep him from me. I mean, it's stuff we can work on. Of course, I'm oversimplifying things here. But I can't help seeing them so simple, seeing there's a solution. I've felt so bad today, so empty, so lonely, without purpose. Like all this I'm doing, is just killing time until he comes back. I know it's not like that, I'm living my life. I just wait, also.

But he's not coming back. He had his reasons to break up with me; I know them and no, they're not irrational. And I just have to remember some of his words, like "when I make a decision I don't step back" and shit. I don't see him turning around and changing his mind.

Today I remembered the day we were with friends of his and he said he was going to marry me and I just rolled my eyes and whistled. His friends laughed but he was pissed off. I had offended him. I was just joking and his reaction surprised me. But see, he was serious. He wanted to marry me.

In one of my entries of january 2008, I quote him, saying something like leaving me would be the most stupid thing he could ever do. I guess love makes you say silly things like that.

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